Who Are We?

I remember as a child listening to my parents speak. They were having a conversation about self-esteem and its relation to being children of God. My parents are both converts so I think the sayings that often become trite to those of us who grow up with songs such as "I am a Child of God" are ones that are incredibly meaningful to them. The conclusion of their conversation was - if people really understood what it means to be a child of God, then they wouldn't have self-esteem problems.

I remember thinking, as I often did, that my parents sort of live on a different level than the rest of us. They understand things to a more profound level, or at least, that was and is my observation. I suppose that mostly this really stuck to me because I didn't feel like I had a great hold on this self-esteem thing, so did that mean that I didn't fully comprehend what it is to be a child of God? My conclusion of course was yes. I still don't think I understand it to the level that they do.

About three years ago I was a Sunday School teacher. We were studying the Old Testament and my lesson largely revolved around Noah. I was studying one day when I had the prompting that I should start working on my lesson. As I did so much of my understanding regarding the greatness of Noah was opened up to me. His ancestors anticipated him. He was prophesied of before he was born. He was one of the great and noble spirits in the pre-mortal life.

I think the scripture that really hit me the most was Doctrine and Covenants 138 (verse 41 in regards to Noah). Here, President Joseph F. Smith had a vision of Christ and what he did during the three days before he was resurrected. He taught and trained those who had lived faithful lives about the redemption of the dead. But the thing that really struck me was the fact that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young were among those spirits. But they weren't born yet. I wondered, when they were children, did they know of their own value? Did they know that before they were born they had been taught by Christ himself? Which caused me to wonder - do we have any idea who we are?

It took Brigham Young several years to convert to the gospel. It wasn't like he just had a vision and he converted. I am sure he pondered and agonized over this decision. But the Lord knew him. He understands how we tick, how we think, how we reason, but futhermore, how we are. But I can only imagine Brigham Young's surprise when he later comprehended his own role in the Church to realize that beyond his own comprehension of himself, the Lord understood him.

Which I guess leads me to some of my friends. In multiple situations I've watched friends agonize over life's decisions. And a lot of times I'll listen and listen. Many times I know they know what the correct path is for them. But more fundamentally, I know them. I know they are good people. And some how I know that at the end of the day, they will not betray their own gut feelings. There have been occasions where I have told them so. 'I know you, I know you are a good person. I know there will be a lot of agonizing between now and then but you'll turn out all right.' Inevitably, they do. But sometimes it takes years for them to get there.

And as my friend Katie and I often discuss, so much of what we are right now is just a snippet of what we are. Even Christ's time here on earth is just a small picture of who he is. I think it is the same for us. Where were we eons before we came to earth? What gives rise to those feelings deep inside us about the path we should take or even about who we are? What lies ahead of us after we pass on? There is sooooo much more to us than meets the eye - even our own eye, despite the fact that we live with ourselves 24/7.

My brother and I were discussing the other day that as we live closer to the Spirit, self-esteem seems to naturally follow. So many of my close friends have admitted that often time their self-esteem came through feeling the love that Heavenly Father has for them through the power of the Holy Ghost. This seems in perfect harmony with the scriptures and watching Joseph Smith's shock that Heavenly Father knew his name, or watching Moses come to the realization that the Lord esteemed him as one like unto Christ.

In conclusion, we have only a small idea who we are. But I think that all of us are amazing people and that this is what the Lord is aware of even beyond our own comprehension of it. I think if we even understood ourselves beyond this mortal snippet, we'd be shocked.

Stud of the Month - May 2008

I know, I know. You are all thinking - did you decide on the Stud of the Month based on their penchant for orange peelers? While that may be a criteria one of these months, it isn't this month.

You may also be asking yourself, is it based stylish dressing? Certainly no one pulls off Hawaiian Shirt Day like Richard does. But alas, that wasn't this month's criteria either.

It can safely be said that few people think outside the box like Captain RRRRRRichard does. I don't know many people who, in a corporate environment, would think to send out e-mails framed as a dialog between Batman and Robin just to get his co-workers to read the newsletters AND get away with it. It isn't everyday you make a friend who will show up, unannounced at your door step, to invite you to go fly kites simply because it is a perfect day to fly them. Most people would wouldn't ever think of bringing their own plate to a social gathering because they decided to be more aware of the environment. Though he certainly dominates the department of original thought, that was not a criteria either.

Indeed, none of those things are what made Richard Stud of the Month. I recently got a phone call from a friend of mine, one I really care about but I rarely have the time for. In the course of our conversation she couldn't help but mention how great Richard is; how many times he has helped her. As she explained all he had done for her, I realized that she probably has no idea just how far Richard lives from her, or how incredibly busy he is, or how many things he keeps balanced on his plate. I am sure she has no idea what it took for him to be so helpful to her.

You see, this is not an isolated event for Richard. He was my home teacher for a long time. I grew to really appreciate his friendship and his help. My old Elders Quorum President asked for feedback from all of the sisters about their home teachers a few months ago. This is a slightly edited portion of what I wrote about him:

And funny you should ask because just Sunday I was thinking of how great my home teacher is....He has been a huge help over the years. A year and a half ago he was my home teacher when I needed to register my car. It may seem stupid but I was stressed about it. He had just registered his and walked me through where I should go, how to get the emissions tests and everything else done. I really appreciated that. Recently my car was having issues and I was really concerned. I told him and he came over and identified the problem. Again, a really small thing, but it was a stressor in my life and his help was most appreciated....I guess that I appreciate that they is able to help me with the concrete problems I am having. I love that I don't feel dumb asking them for what I need.

In comparison to past experiences, I love that I don't have to go find them and convince them to come visit me. I am a little proactive about getting taught sometimes. Furthermore, I am totally fine with getting visited at church or with others. My home teachers insist on coming to my house and dressed up....I don't think about it much, but I do think those subtle things sort of take the lead in getting me to realize the importance of being visited. But really, it isn't the spiritual lesson that I appreciate or even need the most, it is practical help and the friendship that comes with the visit.

All of this may be compounded by the fact that I have no idea who my new home teachers are, or if I have any (and I don't mean that as a criticism because I am well aware of how much work it is to organize these things.) But, not to worry, even after I changed wards he called just to make sure things were going o'k. He and his girlfriend stopped by the other week just to say hi. I only wish I had been home to visit with them.

"Fais de ta vie un rêve et de ce rêve une réalité"

"During my lifetime, I have watched dream turn into reality and reality into dream until I am convinced that they do transpose beyond our realization."

- Charles Lindberg

Truman

I just got done my tax exam. My right hand feels much like my legs did after the marathon; a little numb and quite worn. It was my third typed exam in law school. My school is a little behind the times. The good news is, I feel like it went well. My first laptop exam, on the other hand really did not.

I know you think to yourself, how hard can an open book exam be? Well, I learned that open book exams are all about organization. The trick is the time crunch. Things need to be tabbed, easy to find and then click, click, click. However, in my first year, on my first laptop exam, I just froze. Completely froze. I couldn't remember anything and I couldn't find anything, I couldn't even think of anything coherent to say. All I could do was panic. It was horrible...and my worst final grade for a class in my entire life (hopefully).

Tonight, I had a little pang of remembrance. There was a woman seated in front of me who, as it turns out was from the business school. This was clearly her first law school exam because she didn't know she was supposed to have her exam number. The poor girl had the same experience I did my first year. She just panicked. Near the end of the exam I could see her hands shaking. She hardly wrote anything. She had my empathy.

Honestly, the exam wasn't hard on law school standards but if you'd never taken one before, it could be horrible. First of all, the teachers tend to focus on the random exceptions that they never really focused on in class. So you think you know everything and bam - the first question worth 40% of your final grade for the class is all about some obscure thing you can hardly remember being mentioned. Second, there are generally "wrinkles" to every problem. Meaning that at first glance, it looks like a very obvious such and such problem. Then you think about it for a second and realized that no - it is actually such and such an issue. Then you think about it again and realize it is some weird hybrid of laws. Then you write your answer.

The sad experience for a lot of first years is when they walk away thinking - I totally aced that. I slam dunked all of the questions. Then they get their grade - C. Yup, all that means is they missed the wrinkles. Well, I can only hope I didn't miss anything major tonight. You never really can tell till the grades come out. My policy: what is done is done. I don't like to talk much about actual questions post exams. I always think I did horrible.

The truth of the matter is, and Cindy can verify this, you still turn the questions over and over in your head for days after. It is almost subconscious. Sometimes I'll find myself in a panic in the ensuing days post exams thinking - OH NO!! I totally missed that issue. And then sometimes I'll think - oh...no I didn't miss it.

Well, the good news is that Truman, my little tax man from the exam, has died. Hopefully never to return....except for in my nightmares where he will resurrect with issues I didn't spot on the exam.