The Unspoken

Tonight I visited with a friend who lives in an abusive relationship.  As we talked about many different things, it became clear that part of the problem was that most of the people she spends time with accept abuse in marital relationships as normal.

This would have seemed rediculous to me, except that not too long ago I had a case from Kenya.  My research for this case caused me to delve into the culture of Kenyans - and one aspect was the abuse.  I have a friend from Kenya who lives near my brother so I was able to ask her questions as I sought to gain a full perspective for my case.  She said that the most shocking thing to her was that her sister is in medical school and even among her male medical students, they were generally of the opinion that it was okay to beat their wives.  These are MEDICAL STUDENTS. 

But the roots of the problem, she touched on, go a little deeper.  Her father is a good man, and somehow managed to avoid these beliefs and practices.  And why?  Because he had no sisters.  In the Kenyan culture, like many others around the world, much of the work is placed on the women.  She told of how other children made fun of her father because he had to fetch the water.  But it taught him to work.  And it sounds like it kept him humble as well, and he grew to be a good man.

When I lived in Salt Lake I was a Sunday School teacher.  One day one of my students told me about a thing I believe was called The Hunger Group.  After a lesson I'd taught about charity, or service - I don't quite remember - she said she thought I'd really enjoy it.  And I did.  The group believed based on a UN study that world hunger could be eliminated by elevating the status of women in the world.  It was there that I learned, and began to internalize the importance of treating women as equals.  I'd always believed it, but here, it became crystal clear - poverty rates, infant mortality rates, general prosperity all increase as women are treated as equals and not second class citizens. 

The group fought ideas I'd never even heard of, such as - educating your daughter is like watering someone elses garden. The idea that you should feed your boys before your girls because the boys will be the bread winner. 

As I spoke to my friend, it seems that her friends and family have the persistent idea that if a little boy is angry - it is okay, because it is a boy.  And the boys are doted on.  Which made me think of this artcle I recently read: 

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304450004577277482565674646.html?mod=wsj_share_goog

So on my drive home from this time spent with my friends, it made me think - how would I raise a boy?  As I thought it over and thought about this article, I would want my son's to learn to serve.  I would hope to drive them to the service projects or to help someone mow their lawn.  My hope, of course would would be that he would become a good person, that the service would mature him, humble him, teach him consideration, and give him the drive to serve.Of course, there is no guarantee and right now it is just an untested idea.

As I thought about it further, it occurred to me that the Young Men's program in the church is designed to do this.  But more so, the priesthood is designed to do this.  At the age of 12, you pass the sacrament to the ward.  You go home teaching.  You are taught to give. 

Of course, going through the motions is no guarantee that the values will be internalized.  However, after studying and learning about two cultures where the abuse is built in and perpetuated, I think it is a good start, if nothing else.

Conversation with mechanic this morning:

Mechanic: Are you a law student?

Me: Uhh, no. I'm a lawyer. What makes you ask?

Mechanic: Oh, the paper in your car. Well, not so much the paper, but the AMOUNT of paper in your car.
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I crossed paths with an old aquaintance from law school yesterday. We maybe had one conversation in law school, but he remembered my name. I was so impressed. Way to apply the whole - How to Win Friends and Influence People - principle of remembering people's names. Went to a party tonight and ran into a few other lawyers who practice with him. They say he is just amazing that way; always remembers peoples' names. I appreciate that quality. Makes me want to be more like that. Thanks for inspiring me David, I can't spell your last name...
_________

Experience as I was leaving work with a foot and a half of files in my arms because my bag broke from over use (or abuse, whichever you like better):

Sariah (name changed to respect employment contract):  You really have a lot of files in your arms.  Are you sure you don't want help, because you really look like you need help...? 

Me:  Oh, no.  I'm fine, but thanks. [as we pass security guard]

Security Guard:  Hey, do you need help carrying those files? 

Me:  No, really, I'm fine, but thank you.

Security Guard:  You really need help carrying those files.

Me:  Maybe, but really, I'm sure I'll make it to my car.



A few seconds later...

Two african-american dudes with dread locks and pants hanging low:  Hey, do you need help carrying those files?

Me:  No, but thanks so much for the offer.

Dudes - with sincere look of concern:  You really do need help with those files.  Are you sure you don't want us to help you?

Me:  Oh, thank you so much for being willing to help, but I really will be fine.  [Touched by their genuine concern.  Big smile of sincere appreciation for their kindness]

Dude:  You know, you have a really pretty smile.

Me:  Thanks so much!

Day made. 

I may just smile at a few more people...
and remember a few more names...
and try to cut back on the paper in my car. 

That last one may be shooting a little too high...