Marriage

So, it finally happened. Deep down I always really felt like I would get married, but sometimes it was hard to hang on to that belief. I was determined not settle even if I didn't get married until I was 80. Now that I've been married for 15 months, I think t the wisest commitment I ever made and to some extent, I wish more people would be so committed.

But let's have a moment of honesty. Part of me was terrified to get married. My parents have a wonderful marriage. To this day, I've never met a woman more in love with her husband than my mother. She is still giddy and you can still feel her love for my father. But it seems that most people love to complain about their marriages and so many people express that marriage is so HARD. Not my mother, of course, but pretty much everyone else.

I was surprised that I absolutely loved it. Having someone to share my space with and time with was so much more fun than anyone made it sound (besides mom). The first week of marriage, I really felt like the awesomeness of marriage is the best kept secret around. Like a conspiracy of all married people to only talk about the hard parts and gloss over how great the great parts are.


The unexpected ball that did drop was that after we got married Jeremy's mother was very ill - so much so that we had to postpone our honeymoon to take care of her and Jeremy's father. We got married in Boston and Jeremy's family had to return to Seattle, his father would not leave his wife's side. Jeremy had to arrange dialysis for his father and we honesty were not sure if his mother would make it. But what I did love was just the feeling that I was married to the right guy, to someone who fit. I loved the assurance via this experience that Jeremy would never ditch me for Australia (part of where we were going to go on our honeymoon) and that I had married the kind of person who was unselfish. He never complained that we could not go and there was never a question that he would take care of his parents. Despite the stress of it, he did not complain or slink into a pity party.

 

(Someone had presented in the emergency room that his mother was in with measles, so we had to wear masks for a day when tending to hear as a precaution. These are the marks the elastics left on our faces.)

We lived long distance from September through November. I thought it was the perfect transition for us. We had time to adjust to the idea of being married before living together. There are a lot of great things about a long distance relationship - mainly that you do not share the grind of life. Time spent together is spent under the best of conditions. The schedules are cleared. You plan awesome things to do. All time spent together is quality time.

Jeremy moved to Missouri in November, about a year ago. The weirdest thing about living together was that we now had to share life's grind and not all time spent together was quality time. That realization was not a fun one for me to swallow. We had to meet our life obligations in a way that we had both done separately, but not together. I remember one evening I had court in the morning I needed to prepare for, Jeremy wakes up at 5 a.m. and starts work early.  We had to focus on life, not just our time when we were together and I did not love that at first. But after adjusting to living through life's grind together, it has been nice to share it with someone. When you are single, the grind is a cross you mostly shoulder alone. We grocery plan together, shop together, cook together, and do all the normal life things that were done independently with someone we enjoy.

Probably my favorite thing about sharing the grind with Jeremy has been cooking dinner together after work. I do not independently like cooking, but I like cooking with him. We eat better and we cook more adventurously than either of us ever did alone.

There are factors that I think help make our transition a good one. Jeremy is very kind and mature. Spiritually we are equally committed. Intellectually he is someone who reads lots of articles like I do. These traits were incredibly hard to find all in the same person. Jeremy's soft skills - such as communication, his emotional control are skills that he has developed well. He is not financially irresponsible and he knows how to plan. Mind you, he is human. He is not so fun to be with when he is sick. He can get overly sensitive when he is under the weather, but I'm not perfect either. Overall, he is a pretty great guy.

So taking in all of those factors into consideration - I think the single biggest practice that we have adopted that makes our marriage better is called The State of the Union Meeting. It is the single best hour invested in our relationship each week. We read about it while we were dating and started it then. I think it helped me discuss the issues I would have otherwise swept under the rug (like I typically did) while dating. In marriage, it has still reaped large rewards. Here is how we do it:

(1) Express 5 things you appreciate about each other. I am a words of affirmation person so this part feeds my soul. Also, expressions of gratitude are the greatest single predictor of marital bliss. We try to appreciate each other for EVERYTHING. He does the dishes - thank you. I make the bed - thank you. We try to make this a habit. So this built in start of our weekly State of the Union Meeting is key. It makes a safe space. It creates a stronger bond. It is a buffer for the days when one or both of us isn't feeling well and has less energy to give to the other.

(2) Discuss the things that went well that week. I thought this one was somewhat pointless, but Jeremy made the point that we naturally spend lots of time ruminating over what doesn't go well and why, but do we put equal energy into discussing what went well and why? This is still the weakest part of our meeting, but I do see the value in it.

(3) Calendaring. This practice sidesteps so many potential conflicts. We go through our days, write out what we are each doing between work and our other commitments. We determine when we are doing the things we need to do. Last week we were a day late in doing our weekly State of the Union Meeting and our wires crossed. There was a little frustration on both ends, but we made the observation that if we had done our calendaring, it wouldn't have happened. This weekly practice is a huge potential-fight preventer.

(4) What we need to work on. One thing that I absolutely believe is that this part must focus on the behavior or events that did not go so well - and very conscious effort needs to be made not to ever make blanket character statements such as - you are a jerk, you are an idiot. Talk about the behavior that needs to change (one week Jeremy said he doesn't like sticky things. I was leaving stickiness all over when I used the honey every morning. This discussion was about my behavior, it did not label me as a messy person). This distinction is very important.  I've known people who would use this opportunity to tear into the other person and demean them. Obviously, that is not constructive. The focus here is - I love you, I'm on your team, and here are things we could do better, or here are the things that hurt my feelings, or things I need you to work on.

Obviously, so many things can still go wrong in a marriage. There needs to be follow through on both ends for this to work. There is no substitute for a strong set of matching values. But this practice is one that can help okay marriages evolve into something stronger. Our first year relationship has been relatively problem free and this practice has contributed a lot to it.

Jeremy and I are both huge advocates of State of the Unions. So for what is worth, this is my marriage advice to everyone after my first year of marriage.

2018 New Years Resolutions Success

Goal Setting Lessons

This year I accomplished all of my 2018 New Year's Resolutions and here is what I learned in the process:

1.  The Value of Accountability

I somehow stumbled upon the Smart Passive Income podcast at the end of 2016.  I found the episodes inspiring. One thing that kept getting mentioned was these mastermind groups. I didn't know what it was, but I knew I wanted to start one. I presented the idea to each of my four syblings and they were all agreeable. So in 2017 we would have a conference call at 6:30 eastern standard time to discuss and hold ourselves accountable for our goals. This was a good practice for me and it is one that continued into 2018. Most every week was a report of success for me, so there wasn't much for me to discuss and figure out with the group, but having a group to whom I knew I would be reporting my results was a key motivation for me to keep up with my goals in 2018.

2. The Value of Tracking

                                    

In the first half of 2017 my weekly reports did not go very well. I generally did not reach my goals, and it was not for lack of effort. In July of 2017, I had the sudden idea of making a chart for my goals. I thought that would help with the tracking. The book Good to Great discusses discipline and tracking as part of the formula to success. I made the chart in a notebook and successfully kept up with my goals all week! For the first time, I was able to report 100% - which was great - but exhausting. Truthfully, I thought to myself, that the accomplishment was great, but I don't want to live like that (where I have to stay up till midnight on a busy day to get my goals done). Every week for the rest of the year I would make my little chart, and report an incompletely completed chart.  Though on the surface I acted like I wanted to get my goals done, what I truly wanted more was to not be stressed and exhausted more than I wanted to get my goals done. So the chart was only part of the formula for successful goal keeping for me, but it was still part of the formula.

At the end of 2017 I made an entire grid for the entire year of 2018 to increase my accountability. It was 24 pages long with 12 pages for daily goals and another page for monthly/weekly goals. It looked sort of like this except that it had an excell grid to check off each of the goals.

1/7/2018	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Gratitude
Prayer
Scriptures
Prayer
Spanish
Music
Exercise
Journal

January Visiting Teaching Host a Dinner Temple Temple Temple Temple Temple

3. The Value of Flexibility

Somewhere in the end of 2017 I came to the realization that I could have both - not be exhausted and stressed and still accomplish my goals. I began to ask myself - why does each goal need to get done each day? Am I any less benefited by doubling up on my music, for example, if I practice twice as long the second day? I concluded that I am not any less benefited. So this year, I decided that I would be flexible on when I get things done. If I have a free night on Wednesday, I can do Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday's Spanish, for example. That system really worked for me. Consequently, I spent a lot of Saturday nights during the first few months doing a lot of catch up. By the end of the year, I was much better at getting things done consistently on my more open nights during the week.

4. The Necessity of Deciding What Constitutes the Completion of a Goal

In order for the flexibility part of this formula for goal accomplishment to work, I realized that I would have to define what counted as as a check mark for each area. If I was going to double up on Spanish on Tuesday, I had to define what constituted one check mark. Everything naturally had to become defined. Two Duolingo units equalled completing a Spanish goal box, etc.

5. The Necessity of Goals Aligning with Core Values

Before 2018 started I realized I was taking on a daunting task. I knew from that week in 2017 that I had to really want this or it wasn't going to happen. This was going to take a certain amount of consistent drive. At the end of 2017 I really thought about my goals, were these things I really wanted? I realized that each goal connected with a core value of mine and that truly, in my heart of hearts, I wanted to incoropraate these things in my life. More importantly, these were things I was willing to struggle for. There were more than a few moments in the beginning months of the year when doing these goals was hard that I reflected back to my realization that I really wanted these things in my life that gave me the drive to keep going.

6. The Necessity of Intentionality and Focus 

Lastly, these goals weren't hard, but they did take focus. If I didn't pay attention, a week or month could quickly slip by without them getting done. I would often say to myself and repeat to my husband, this is not hard, but it does take focus. For example, after we got engaged, I naturally became focused on wedding planning and I did not go to the temple for the three months we were engaged. When I got back to St. Louis the temple was closed for two months. I had a goal to go to the temple weekly and now I was about 5 months / 19 check boxes behind (only because getting married in the temple did count as temple work).  In November I really had to focus or that wasn't going to get done. I realized I work only 11 minutes from the temple. There were a few weeks where I went to the temple 5 - 6 nights a week. But accomplish my goal I did. It was important to me. It did connect to my core values and it was worth the struggle for me.

My New Years Resolutions for 2018 were as follows:

Daily Goals

Gratitude

I had read multiple articles about how beneficial the practice of gratitude is and I was convinced that this would be a good practice for me. There is a mountain of research finding that people who practice gratitude:

1. Are happier.
2. Conversely are less depressed.
3. Exercise more (mostly because people who are happier exercise more. In one study where they had people keep gratitude journals, they noticed that these people exercised more than those in the control group. They already had discovered that people who are happier exercise more.)
4. Have decreasing cortisol (the stress hormone).
5. Have an increased release of serotonin (a "feel good" hormone).
6. Have increasing levels of oxytocin (bonding hormone).
7. Inreases the release of dopamine (the brain chemical correlated with reward, pleasure, and satisfaction).
8. Tend to have higher immunity.
9. Tend to have lower disease rates.
10. Tend to have stronger cardiovascular systems.
11. Tend to live longer.
12. Tend to sleep better.
13. Those who are more grateful are more attentive to how they express gratitude.
14. Even if you aren't able to think of anything to be grateful for, simply asking the question about what you are grateful for is enough to change your brain chemistry.

The practice of gratitude is helpful because neurons that fire together wire together. I read a really fantastic article about this that gave me a permanent desire to be more grateful.

The reason why gratitude has so many of rhese benfits is because when one is grateful, the hypothalamus (a part of the brain that contributes to the regulation of stress) and the ventral tegmental area of the brain (the reward circuitry that produces the sensation of pleasure) is possitively affected. In short, the articles I'd read had thoroughly sold me on notion that the practice of gratitude could be nothing but beneficial to me.

The first time I tried it I was overwhelmed with how great I felt in the process. I can't say that everytime I practiced it throughout the year that it was that euphoric, but I was committed to the practice. My goal was to think of five things I was grateful for per day. Like most of my goals, this was not hard, it just took intentionality on my part.

Pray Twice Daily

This seems pretty simple, but I was not being as disciplined about prayer as I wanted to be, so I wanted it on my list of behaviors I was committed to and tracked. This goal was sometimes combined with gratitude because I start out my prayers with expressing gratitude. This year I took the gratitude  portion of my prayers more seriously.

This goal was a challenge because I had lost the discipline I once had with prayer. I used to be excellent at meaningful, regular prayers. I saw miracles from it all the time. That was true up until law school when I was so busy and exhausted I could not stay awake through a prayer. I was so busy I would think each morning I'll pray on my drive to school.' which did not always happen as I had planned. This year was an improvement in that I prayed 724 times this year as I had committed to, but there is still room for improvement as far as my level of concentration, my spiritual focus, and kneeling more often when I do pray. This will continue to improve.

Read Scriptures Daily

I have been in the habit of reading my scriptures for a half an hour a day. Even though this was already a habit, I wanted to make sure this was something that got done and tracked daily.  I used to get up, go running, come home, pray, and study my scriptures for a half an hour. In 2012 I got a job where I started earlier and I started listening to my scriptures on my phone. Getting an i-phone was an answer to prayer to help me keep up with scripture reading and a more busy schedule. This year I made it through the entire standard works and the Book of Mormon twice, and then some. I did read for a half hour everyday this year. What I could get better at is studying more.

Music

This video really inspired me about how beneficial music is. I have always loved music. I loved improvising, but I found reading music incredibly difficult (very left brained, I am very right brained) so I never did grow with music. Several years ago I realized that using the fact that my mother didn't chain me to the piano bench as a child is not an excuse not to learn. My focus this year was to get better at site reading. I found an app and I drilled and drilled on that app. It has made a noticeable difference in my ability to pick up new songs.

Last year I bought Jeremy a ukelele in Hawaii. He brought it to St. Louis and I've been working on some ukelele music. I am still no Mozart. I am not even mildly good, but I am improving. More importantly, good or not, it is a great practice for my brain.

Spanish

For whatever reason I really want to learn Spanish. I have been making attempts at it since my mission (in 2000 - 2001). This year I decided to be a little more focused on this goal. I decided that two units of Duolingo counted as Spanish practice for a day. A chapter in the sciptures in Spanish counted. My brother - who is fluent in Spanish - assures me that my Spanish is worse than I think, but I still believe that there is value in the trying.

Exercise

Like everyone, I committed to exercise daily (not including Sundays, although I did have a box on Sunday that got filled later in the week). What was hard about this is figuring out what counted as a unit of exercise. It could not be each time I went to the gym if I was doing a double work out or tripple work out on some days. I decided that running one mile counted as one work out. However, on Saturdays I used to run 6 miles. This was my Saturday work out and one unit. Part way through the year I bought a jump rope. I found that jumping 400 times made it difficult to walk the next few days due to soreness. I decided that 100 jumps was one exercise work out. For the rest of the year this was my easy work out. The jump rope came with me on every trip. I could do it in the living room while in D.C. babysitting my sister's kids. I could do it on my new sister-in-law's back patio while the scared chickens watched from behind a tree. Most of all, I do feel healthy and grateful that I was able to consistently exercise all year long. I feel that it will prevent a multitide of problems later in life.

Journal

As I was making my goals very last minute I decided to add to write in my journal daily. I can definitely say that my journal was written in far, far more than it has been in the several years combined. The good news is that my engagement, and first few months of my marriage are recorded on a daily basis.

Weekly and Monthly Goals

Weekly Temple Attendance

This has been a habit of mine for years, but I think that many weeks I haven't made it and haven't made up for the lost time. Also, because I wasn't tracking it I probably thought I was going much more consistently than I was. I did spend November catching up on 5 months of not going which made me very aware of how valuable tracking goals is.

Monthly Visiting Teaching

To be fair I moved wards in August when I got married and I didn't have a visiting teaching assignment for the rest of the year, so as far as this goes, I did do visits for the first 7 months of the year. I didn't do very well in August, so I reached out to each of them to touch base in September.

Monthly Dinner Hosting

I have always been a bad cook and embarrased of my cooking. I figured that inviting people over for dinner would force me to develop these skills. Of course, I found myself putting this one off, and putting it off, so as soon as I completed my temple visits, I focused on this one. We had a lot of people over for dinner in November and December. This is not a goal I plan on repeating because I feel it served its purpose. My cooking is much better and we had many very pleasant experiences with it.