I Was a Stranger and Ye Took Me In

I LOVE, LoVE, love hosting people.  I live alone; I love the company.  I love getting to know  people.  So when my friend Alicia e-mailed me to see if I would let someone come stay at my house while she had a job interview in St. Louis, I was really happy to do it.

I didn't know who I would meet, but Lonnie would grace my life for the next four days.  She was a lovable woman.  We would chat well into the night most nights.  But again, I find the same phenomenon.  I always end up getting more than I give.  So my first blessing was company.  I had someone to eat breakfast and dinner with.  Someone who looked forward to my arrival home.  Someone with whom I can talk about my day and who enjoyed sharing an ever so brief segment of our lives.

All I offered was a place to stay.  The lodgings weren't fantastic because all I have to offer is a hide-a-bed for her to sleep on.  It isn't terribly comfortable I'm sure, but I don't have a spare bedroom or a spare bed. 

What I got back: 

• I told her I had plenty of food, but she insisted on buying me dinner on Thursday and Friday.  I also had plenty of food for breakfast, which I told her, but she bought breakfast and left most of it here. 
• Thanks to Lonnie I was able to go to a concert with a friend of mine that I wouldn't have been able to attend without her.  We all went to dinner, we ended up getting into the concert for free, and then we went to a party where we were graced with fresh fruit and homemade fudge to take home. 
• She bought me candles for my dining room, stocked me up on toilet paper, and bought the vegetable for our Sunday dinner. 
• While we were out shopping for these items, we ran into an old client of mine.  I had really worked hard to help this client while I had her case.  I gave my old client a hug and she turned to Lonnie and said - "This is a really good person, I mean a really good person."  Naturally, this compliment warmed me. 

But most of all, Lonnie is a woman with lots of faith and she shared that with me while she was here.  There are points in all of our walks through life where we are exerting a tremendous level of faith.  It is right after we have followed guidance, but before we have not yet received the realization of the faith.  That is where Lonnie is at.  I think at times this is when we burn the brightest.  We are unsure of ourselves, and living on hope until the faith is realized.  I wish Lonnie all the best and hope to see her back here soon. 

I read a book once that has greatly impacted my life, Who Really Cares by Arthur C. Brooks.  It is all about giving.  The lesson secured in my head by the end of the book was that by giving, we become more giving.  It is a cycle.  And that by giving, we become better people and more likely to give.  My birthday goal of giving is now teaching my heart that lesson. 

Today I was thinking, you really don't realize the blessings of giving, how real and amazing they are until you do it.  When you do it, that realization really sinks in and motivates you to give more. I can only hope for more opportunities to give.  Last week I had no idea who Lonnie was, this week my life is greatly blessed by opening up my home to her. 

The opportunities to fulfill the Lord's expectations also come more rapidly.  We are asked to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, comfort those who stand in need of comfort.  While Lonnie was here I got a text from a friend at 4 something in the morning asking me to come over.  She was having a particularly hard time and just needed someone to be there as she dealt with an incredible level of pain and anguish.  She apologized, but I was so glad I happen to be up and honored that she felt comfortable asking me.

Oh, I also gave a co-worker a card for his birthday and passed on a chocolate Santa that had been given to me.  When I got to my desk on Friday there was a Christmas card waiting for me from my co-workers.  One of my co-workers checked out my car (which was having problems) on Saturday and took the tires off and worked on diagnosing the problem for me. He is a consistently awesome co-worker, but he goes above and beyond. He had spent the other portion of his morning helping our other co-worker house hunt.  I love the guys I work with. 

Now I have 967 little kindnesses to go before next September!

Twarted

 

When I was in school, my brother Vince would often call and ask me how I was doing.  I would chatter away about what was going on in my life.  I soon learned that I almost had to be careful about how I answered his questions.  If I complained about my transmission not working, he'd ask how much it would cost to get it fixed.  The next day or two would find a check in the mail with the needed money.  It was an amazing example for me and I've hoped to emulate it. 

I have a friend who just had baby number four.  I asked her one day what the biggest adjustment was.  She said - all of the housework!!  The dishes pile up faster and the cleaning just seems like it is so much more. 

With my new goal of 1,000 kindnesses this year, I had thought that perhaps I could offer to help with her dishes.  This seemed like an easy way to chizzel away at my goal and fitting to her needs. 

She came over to my house a few nights ago for a design group we are both in and I suggested the idea.  Of course, she was not opposed.  So tonight I went and did her dishes. 

Of course, people feel this need to give back no matter how insistant I am that they don't need to.  She offered food - I had already eaten.  But then she offered me this lovely lamp.  It was collecting dust in her basement and it would go well with the decore in my living room.  Isn't it so cute?  I love it. 

Also, my friend Mike dropped off some scrumptious dinner at my doorstep tonight. 

And so you see, I am twarted yet again.  Two kindnesses accepted today for one given.  I try, I try - but I can't seem to beat it.

In other random acts of kindness, I did do my co-worker's dishes at work.  I still have a lot more to do!!

A few more things....

26 - Did the dishes at my brother's house and helped clean.  They were all sick :(

27 - Pass through good thing.  A friend gave me chocolate; I gave it to my sister-in-law.

28 - I'm going to be donating my old car to the Salvation Army.

I think this project is going to take more than a year. 

Such a Beautiful Day...

Some days you finish with such a glow.  Such has been today.

Slept in.  I watched the Lincoln movie last night.  A good date, with a kind and thoughtful guy.  I love those kind of guys and dates.

At church, listened to great and inspiring talks.  Listened to great lessons.  But mostly, just took in how great the people around me are and was filled with such a sense of appreciation and love for them.

Went visiting teaching with my awesome visiting teaching companion, and friend, Katie.  Was visit taught by my awesome visiting teachers.  Went with one of my visiting teachers to a Thanksgiving dinner.  We took a girl with us who is virtually homeless.  I love my visiting teachers.  Lana lives life with an amazing sense of originality and authenticity that I just LOVE.  Rebecca is shy and sweet.  I'm enjoying getting to know her.

Came back, and dad called and kept the conversation going for over an hour.  Dad never calls.  Dad hates talking on the phone.  Dad's sweet, shy nature is something I love so much.  His sweet words linger with me.   

Came home, planned my day for tomorrow.  Dug through my closet to find 'The Little Prince' to share with one of my running buddies.  I will drop it off on her doorstep tomorrow.  She will still be too sick to run.  But she will love the book, and so will her kids.  The sweet feeling in my apartment gained throughout the day is almost tangible. 

Sweet dreams to come. 

It's the little things...

 My projects for the night were working on a letter to help a friend with some injustice she is dealing with.  Still drafting that up so it doesn't count yet, but I do LOVE that by becoming a lawyer I can fight unfair things and I have some authority to do so.  It is so much better than just getting mad about it and wishing the world were a more fair place.  Don't mess with my friends.

Then spent the rest of my time working on good works number 24 & 25.

24 - Helping a friend with a traffic ticket for free

25 - sending a thank you card to someone

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I gave away 6 meals last week and one salad this week, spoke at the law school, gave a girl I'd never met before a ride to and from the airport and invited her to stay at my house while she was here for an interview.  I think that puts me at 23 little acts of kindness so far.  A shameful number if you consider the goal is 1,000 and I've been at it for a month and a half!! 

The problem is that I think I'm still running a deficit on good deeds.  My car gave out while I was driving home from work on Friday.  My co-worker, my landlord, and my neighbor came to help.  I am also grateful to the random guy who helped push the car, which is more than all the other angry, honking people offered to do - which makes me appreciate him all the more (thank you angry, honking people for giving me a contrast).  Other neighbors and friends have been offering to give me rides (which I soooo appreciate).  One friend professionally cleaned my couch (most appreciated because I was sneezing really badly with the unclean couch).  In addition, I received at least three meals this week (all much tastier than the ones I gave), a bottle of water, and eight rides.  Two friends gave me ideas of where I can look to find a car.  Two friends helped me find a mechanic. It may seem like I have all I need, but my car still needs fixing and I need to buy a new car pronto. 

Life is a game of give and take I suppose.  As for the saying "No good deed goes unpunished".  I really hate that saying.  Good deeds come back double fold.  For example, I offered to work alone two Saturdays ago so my other co-worker could make it to a rugby game.  Quite frankly he is a pleasure to work with, always thinking about everyone else, always funny and fun to work with, and a hard worker.  Everybody LOVES working with him.  He deserved to do something he really wanted to do.  The next week he decided I should have the week-end off and then helped me move a couch that I'd been trying to move for weeks - free of charge.  Then, another friend I had met up with for lunch offered to help us move the couch.   

You see, if giving were a game and we could only win if we gave more - I think we'd all lose.  At least, I know I am!!

Short and Sweet

Today's little acts of kindness: 

Ten - It was Mark's birthday on Sunday, so I gave him his own little packet of bite-sized brownies to celebrate.

 

 

Thankfully, he liked them...(when you read this in your head, it needs to be read with an English accent as Mark is English)

 

11 - Dropped these off at my neighbors - pumpkin muffins and a few little brownies...I owed her them for letting me borrow her can opener the other week.

Law and Order

Conscious acts of kindness:  Sometimes, I get to do lawyerly good deeds.  Today I mailed off a request for a recommendtion for a ticket for a friend. (#8) Yesterday I called up a friend's landlord and let them know that I was my friend's attorney, and that they should be mindful not to take advantage of my friend.  (#9)  I really do love the fact that I saved one friend at least $50.00 in attorney's fees.  That is rough when you are a student. I love that for my other friend, I can fight for justice and help her keep from being taken advantage of.  I believe in that and I love doing it. 

Enjoyed experiences:  I loved sleeping in.  I loved the early morning texting with my running buddies as we all decided to sleep in.  I loved finishing my book, "How Will You Measure Your Life".  and reading Ginette's blog.  I love reading about what she appreciates.  Reading NieNie's blog.  Love the way she loves life.  I loved the trees - the lovely, blazing autumn trees. Today, I'm in love with October.

How Will You Measure Your Life?

 

Today I had a 9:00 am hearing. I parked my car in my usual spot and walked across the park that is in the center of downtown. On my way, I walked by two homeless people. The contrast was stark. I was wearing a sharp, black suit and heals. Their clothing was worn and tattered. I was walking briskly with my court file and the book "How Will You Measure Your Life" tucked in my arms. They were just waking up.  One was packing up her sleeping bag. I felt a little hypocritical walking past them with this book hoping the man wouldn't ask me for money, because I had no intention of fueling any substance abuse. I was judging them, and at the same time thinking, if I could give anything, I'd want to put it towards paying for mental health treatment and other things that would solve the underlying issues that land people on the streets.

My walk is perhaps a mile. I am not entirely sure. But it isn't comfortable in heels. Of that I am sure. As I found my way closer to the court house I became aware of a man walking in the same general direction. We arrived at the court house at the same time. He was bald, in his 40's perhaps, with bright eyes. I thanked him for opening the door for me and he struck up a conversation as we walked through the spacious entrance towards the security line.

It turns out that he is a social worker. He has been doing it for 20 years, he said. As he told me what he did, I told him I'd heard that as much as 30% of the homeless have mental health issues. His eyes widened. "Oh, no. I think it is a lot bigger than that." He said. "I took my guys to have them tested the other day, and fifty-five of them had schizophrenia. You know, two things stop the voices. Medication and alchohol."

It was my turn to go through the metal detector and he gestured for me to go first. "Just what I do in the process of trying to save the world." He said.

"I admire you." I said, as I stepped through the detector. "I feel like every time I try to help the world I become disallusioned." And that was the last I saw of him.

As I sat in court reading my book, "How Will You Measure Your Life," I kept thinking that just then I was really regretting not asking him for his card.

Later that day I left work to run a few errands. On my way back a homeless man asked me for 50 cents, or any change that I had. Normally, I don't carry money at all, but it just so happened that I had grabbed coins for some street parking while I was at home for lunch. I reached into my purse to get some for him when he told me he wanted it for food.

I'm still much happier about giving food than money. Then I know what it went towards. I said, "Well, fifty cents isn't going to get you much of a lunch. Would you like some food?" He said yes, so we walked to a little burrito shop. There he ordered a modest lunch and asked for two more dollars for later. I told him I'd stick to lunch, and asked him all sorts of questions.

"Where are you from?" "Do you have family and friends here?" "Are you connected to any homeless programs?" "Do you have any job skills?" "Do you stay at the homeless shelter on Locust?"

Born in Granite City, but grew up in St. Louis. Yes, he stays at the homeless shelter on Locust. Mother died of a drug over dose, father died in an accident. He lost them both three years ago. He has four syblings, that he knows of. He has a brother, but his brother moved and he doesn't know where he lives now. His sister is always in trouble. He has applied for homeless programs. He has applied for all sorts of jobs, but no luck. He rattled off quite a long list of job skills - welding, point tuck, many construction skills, etc. He had joined job core, went out west, they didn't have jobs there, so they shipped him back to St. Louis, and here he is.

I wished him the best, and headed back to work. I asked him his name, knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I would not remember it. Gartain?? I even repeated it a few times to get it right. I'll remember his face though, and his story.

I really wish I'd gotten the card from the social worker this morning. Perhaps I could have accomplished conscious act of kindness #8.

In Giving, We Receive

Yesterday I set out to accomplish conscious act of kindness #6.  I texted my friend, picked him up from school, and took him grocery shopping.  He is really busy with school right now, but when I went to drop him off he stayed to talk.  Given how busy he is, I turned off my car, but kept my lights on.

It didn't seem like that long, but shortly after I waived good bye, and tried to start my car, it wouldn't start.  My battery (which I just had checked at Autozone a few weeks ago) had died.  Thankfully, I have jumper cables.  A security guard stopped by to help, my friend helped, and two guys who weren't too disturbed when I interrupted their intensely intellectual conversation to see if they wouldn't mind helping all came to the rescue.  The four of them arranged the cars, hooked up the batteries, all the while I sat in my car so that I could start it once they had everything in place. 

I sat there in my car thinking of how ironic it was that I had set out to give, and here I was receiving help from four people, three of whom were total strangers.

When I lived in Salt Lake I would notice this phenomenon over and over.  I'd set out to give - no strings attached, in fact, I sought nothing by it other than to help people and hopefully benefit their lives in some way.  In the end, the blessings poured back.  Thank you letters, gratefulness, service in return, respect, appreciation - in great abundance.  But, that isn't want I was seeking, it just came. 

The other thing that I realized, is that in giving, it has made me more aware of how much people around me give ALL the time.  It is hard to be a pessimist when I am constantly noticing generosity and kindness in others..

2, 3, 4, 5 Ah, Ah, Ah

 

This is a picture from today.  I pulled out my fall sweaters this morning and enjoyed the way my orange sweater matched the fallen leaves as I walked to my car to go to church.  Such a lovely day here in St. Louis.  Hope it is pretty where you are too!! 

Here are some more acts of kindness - only 955 to go:

Act of Kindness #2: Giving a ride today to a friend whose car is still in the shop.

Act of Kindness #3:  I had offered to give him a ride before and after his other attempts to arrange his own transportation fell through, he took me up on the offer.  Unfortunantly, he slept through his alarm and I had to leave.  But I showed up, so I'm counting it :) 

Today I offered to take him grocery shopping this week.  Apparently he had asked several friends to take him, but they had all forgotten.  Ah, the value of this goal. My friend will eat.

Act of Kindness #4:  And, my favorite - same friend.  We had a meeting we both needed to attend.  He had asked for a ride (he walks to school even when his car is working, and he is on my way), so I picked him up.  The meeting was over lunch time, and in my observations of him, he generally doesn't think ahead terribly well, so I packed two lunches that morning.  We got to the meeting and he asked if lunch was going to be served.  To which I responded, "I brought two lunches, because if I know you, you wouldn't have thought of it."  Somewhat belittling perhaps, but he smiled at that.  I think people like to be known.  He is a real foodie so I knew my simple lunch consisting of an orange and a ham and cheese sandwich wouldn't really hit the spot, but it was the best I could do. 

Act of Kindness #5:  Different friend - I'm not sure if this counts as an act of kindness, because in some ways it is self benefitting.  I cleaned a friend's office.  Okay, I work with this friend and it drives me insane that once a file ends up in his office we can't find it anymore.  It is also inhibiting to a thriving and efficient office when the other people in the office can't find things or clients have to wait because somewhere in this rediculously messy office the document is hiding.  He left on vacation.  I cleaned his office.  Hey, we are all happier with his office a little cleaner.

Act of Kindness #6:  Did the dishes at work for co-workers.



Experiences I am grateful for:  The lovely weather.  Perfect temperatures and TREES!!  I spent last week in Utah.  I love Utah for the social life, but I am a person who loves my trees and I love having them EVERYWHERE.  Hence, my picture on the top of the blog.  The trees here are changing and running on Saturday in the local park was so lovely it reminded me of Paris.  This picture doesn't do this tree any justice colorwise, but I loved the blue sky and the yellow of the tree. 

I am also grateful for a person named Mary Pinkston.  She is so funny.  I went to a bonfire on Saturday night and laughed and laughed.  I love her sense of humor. 

 

I am also grateful for the lunch a friend delivered to my office the other day.  It made getting out the door on Friday much easier since I had one less thing to worry about - a lunch. Being on the receiving end of kindness reminds you of how helpful it is - but even more so, how validating that someone cares enough to think of you.  It also made me realize that I just wish I was a little more creative in my giving. 

Lastly, my running buddy Lana.  The thing I love most about her is her consistency and honesty.  We did yoga on Friday morning, went running on Saturday morning, and I didn't know that she was teaching Sunday School on Sunday morning until I got to class.  In listening to her lesson, I noticed that she is exactly the same person teaching her lesson as she is running around the park or doing yoga.  The thing I love about that is that she isn't a show.  There is no fake smile, there is no pretending, there is no act.  She is Lana, in all instances.  She tells things as they are even at the risk that they may not make her look good.  I think sometimes she may feel like she doesn't always fit in, but I love her just like that.  Truthful, spunky, and most of all, genuine.

1/1000 Ah, Ah, Ah

I do miss the count from Sesame Street.  Can't you hear his voice echoing in your head now? Ah, ah, ah.


Random (Conscious) Act of Kindness #1:  A week or so ago, I was heading out to a football game and making blue berry muffins to share.  In light of my new resolution, I took one out, wrapped it up, and put it on my neighbor's doorstep on my way out. 

The thank you text I received later bubbled over with appreciation.



Lesson #1:  The Unexpected Lessons of Giving.

I think he thinks I like him now.  Humm.  I've got a lot to learn about this whole kindness thing. 

 

Experience Appreciated Today:

My Aunt and Uncle spent a few days here a couple of weeks ago.  Spending time with them was soooo great.  I live alone so having people here to chat with first thing in the morning and late into the night was so enjoyable. 

I never noticed before what generous people they are.  My new apartment is very, very sparcely furnished.  To the point that I bought the cooking ware so that I would have something in which to cook their dinner.  When I took the pyrex dish out of the oven I had no place holder to put it on (pyrex shatters if it is placed on a cold surface).  No worries!  They had just the thing.  An already prepared gift bag with the perfect gift, a cutting board from Maine; just the right size to put under my virgin pyrex dish. 

As the days went on I found that if I took them to the store, my groceries were paid for.  If I took them to dinner, my dinner was paid for.  When I looked in my silverware drawer, a pairing knife had suddenly sprouted.  When they left, a $20.00 bill lay peacefully with a note graciously expressing how much they appreciated visiting me. 

....

Today I stumbled out of bed late from having flown back to St. Louis last night.  In my kitchen there are the remains of a package found by my door last night from my Aunt and Uncle.  They had mailed me a decorative cloth shower curtain which matches the colors of my bathroom.  Simple, but so fitting because I only have a plain plastic shower curtain.  How could I not appreciate the thoughtfulness and continued generosity.

What impressed me also is that in the thank you note I sent them for coming I said that I wanted to hear about the adventures on the remainder of their trip to the midwest.  In the note sent with the package, my aunt told of their adventures in Wisconson.  That was my little flavor of home for the day that I relished.  My Aunt, a fellow New Englander, knew that when I asked and said I wanted to know about the remainder of their trip, I wasn't just being polite.  Of course I meant it, because that's how we are.   And probably, without even being consiously aware of it, in equal sincerity, she answered my inquiry.  Points for Aunt Anne and Uncle Jack.  Stellar people.  Greatly loved.  They are always welcome back!

(Unfortunantly, I rarely take pictures and didn't take any while they were here.  Here is a picture of them with my sisters a few years back.)

(Lesson learned from writing about the positive experience:  I was scratching my head for a while trying to think about what to write about, but then after thinking about it for a while, I remembered the package.  Experience number one in writing about a positive experience, it does force you to spend time reliving something that made you happy.)

...And The Pursuit of Happiness

 

 

 

 

Normally I try to write a blog entry for my birthday summing what I learned that year.  This year, I thought about it...but clearly it didn't materialize into a blog entry. 

But I did set a few goals, and I think that this year, I will use my blog to record the outcomes of these goals.



So, my dear blog followers, all three of you, my first goal was what I have called 'A Thousand Little Kindnesses'.  What I am going to do is write about these, all thousand of them.  I hope you find them entertaining and/or inspiring. 

With that said, I LOVE comments, as every blogger does.  So I would encourage you to join me in this.  Perhaps your goal will be five little kindnesses, but perhaps if you have a blog, put a link to it in my comments section, or write me a little story in the comments.  Or, just comment and I will appreciate it.

Tonight I watched this video:



and I learned a few things.

Most importantly, it is not your external enviromnment, but the lense through which you process the world that determines the overwhelming majority of your happiness.

• When you are happy, every learning section of your brain is activated.
• When you are happy, you are 31% more productive.
• The following are also benefits of happiness:  Better secure jobs, better keeping jobs, superior productivity, more resilient, less burn out, less turn over, and greater sales.

But interestingly the following things are the things one can do to help themselves generate happiness.

1.       Random acts of kindness – conscious acts of kindness.

2.       Gratitude because it forces your brain to scan for positive things

3.       Journaling – about one positive experience allows you to relive it. 

4.       Meditation – stops the constant ADD of the world, allows our brain to focus.

5.       Exercise – teaches your brain that your behavior matters.

So, my dear readers, I will write about my random acts of kindness and write about one positive experience when I write and things that I am thankful for. 

Let the experiment begin.

 

 

 

Silent Progress

One of the disadvantages of consistently changing my life is that there is no one around who can appreciate the progress with me. 

I am one of those people who was not born with an ounce of OCD.  I just wasn't.  My idea of cleaning as a child was taking a bag, and putting everything that was out of order in it.  If I never missed what was in it, I might throw it out eventually. 

I made fun of people who alphabetized things, whether it be movies, CD's, or books.

To be fair, I've tried to be mindful of my roommates.  But mostly I picked other roommates who weren't super neat either. I even avoided dating guys that seemed too neat.  I would drive them crazy, and if I couldn't make them happy....then they belonged with someone who could.

Most of my aversion to neatness was the fear that one day I'd become one of those incredibly intolerant people who used their own virtue of neatness as a measuring stick with which to beat someone else.  I wanted to be easy going in my living situations, with myself, with the world around me.  I just didn't see how the two could be compatible.

But then I became a lawyer and with it came deadlines, calendars, and an incessant need for efficiency. 

But really, it started with Lena.  Lena was one of those people where you knew whether or not she'd been in the office long before you saw her because she had a way of breeding order everywhere she went.  All of the staplers were lined up.  All of the papers were stacked neatly in their bins.  She even brought her own cleaning supplies to the office so she could clean her desk the way she wanted.  Everything had a place and it was just...so nice to have her tidiness around.  I grew to love it. 

Lets compare Lena to a contemporaneous co-worker, who I'll call Tom.  The clutter in Tom's office was so bad you couldn't tell he had a COUCH underneith it all most of the time.  One time he had ants in his office because he had rotting food in there that the ants realized they could eat.  Tom refused to kill the ants, so he'd put them in his shirt pocket and wistfully peer into his pocket when I'd be trying to talk to him about something.  Needless to say, it was a stark contrast.

There was also Joe.  Joe...lets put it this way, his office was such a disaster that I was mortified when I had to use it to meet with clients.  He never seemed bothered by the plethora of dust bunnies, or the complete disarray of...everything.   

Eventually Lena left and there was a new attorney who we'll call Mandy.  Mandy took neatness to a whole new level.  Keep in mind that Tom, the guy whose couch was rarely visible, ran the office. When Mandy came on board, she would take Friday's to organize the file rooms, organize the files, organize everything.  For the first time, there was order, and with it came peace.  It never once occurred to me that I could take it upon myself to organize these things. 

One day, I walked into Mandy's office while she was gone.  There was such a pervasive peacefulness, order and calm and I was struck by it.   I just stood there in her doorway for quite sometime in total awe of her office.  There was not a dust bunny, an out of place paper, or even an unnecessary file.  It inspired me. 

Everything needed its place.  Extra things had to go.  I cleaned.  I decluttered.  I picked Mandy's brain - how do you do it?  For Mandy it is second nature, for me, it was a whole new paradigm. 

It has now leaked into my personal life.  I just moved into a new apartment, and first I cleaned everything with the very same cleaning supplies I watched Lena use.  Everything is finding its spot (a concept I used to think was completely over the top). 

The thing is, that there has been MAJOR improvement.  My disdain of neat people is gone, and replaced with respect.  I've taken the time to learn, and am striving to apply principles that are new to me.  I used to think that a person was either a neat person, or they weren't, and that there was no shifting from however you were born.  As I used to tell Tom before I left working there, people can change. 

But, as I've noticed in times past when I've grown leaps and bounds, no one is here to appreciate the growth.  Few people here have known me well enough to know; I've grown.  A lot and the difference is...huge. 

The Unspoken

Tonight I visited with a friend who lives in an abusive relationship.  As we talked about many different things, it became clear that part of the problem was that most of the people she spends time with accept abuse in marital relationships as normal.

This would have seemed rediculous to me, except that not too long ago I had a case from Kenya.  My research for this case caused me to delve into the culture of Kenyans - and one aspect was the abuse.  I have a friend from Kenya who lives near my brother so I was able to ask her questions as I sought to gain a full perspective for my case.  She said that the most shocking thing to her was that her sister is in medical school and even among her male medical students, they were generally of the opinion that it was okay to beat their wives.  These are MEDICAL STUDENTS. 

But the roots of the problem, she touched on, go a little deeper.  Her father is a good man, and somehow managed to avoid these beliefs and practices.  And why?  Because he had no sisters.  In the Kenyan culture, like many others around the world, much of the work is placed on the women.  She told of how other children made fun of her father because he had to fetch the water.  But it taught him to work.  And it sounds like it kept him humble as well, and he grew to be a good man.

When I lived in Salt Lake I was a Sunday School teacher.  One day one of my students told me about a thing I believe was called The Hunger Group.  After a lesson I'd taught about charity, or service - I don't quite remember - she said she thought I'd really enjoy it.  And I did.  The group believed based on a UN study that world hunger could be eliminated by elevating the status of women in the world.  It was there that I learned, and began to internalize the importance of treating women as equals.  I'd always believed it, but here, it became crystal clear - poverty rates, infant mortality rates, general prosperity all increase as women are treated as equals and not second class citizens. 

The group fought ideas I'd never even heard of, such as - educating your daughter is like watering someone elses garden. The idea that you should feed your boys before your girls because the boys will be the bread winner. 

As I spoke to my friend, it seems that her friends and family have the persistent idea that if a little boy is angry - it is okay, because it is a boy.  And the boys are doted on.  Which made me think of this artcle I recently read: 

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304450004577277482565674646.html?mod=wsj_share_goog

So on my drive home from this time spent with my friends, it made me think - how would I raise a boy?  As I thought it over and thought about this article, I would want my son's to learn to serve.  I would hope to drive them to the service projects or to help someone mow their lawn.  My hope, of course would would be that he would become a good person, that the service would mature him, humble him, teach him consideration, and give him the drive to serve.Of course, there is no guarantee and right now it is just an untested idea.

As I thought about it further, it occurred to me that the Young Men's program in the church is designed to do this.  But more so, the priesthood is designed to do this.  At the age of 12, you pass the sacrament to the ward.  You go home teaching.  You are taught to give. 

Of course, going through the motions is no guarantee that the values will be internalized.  However, after studying and learning about two cultures where the abuse is built in and perpetuated, I think it is a good start, if nothing else.

Conversation with mechanic this morning:

Mechanic: Are you a law student?

Me: Uhh, no. I'm a lawyer. What makes you ask?

Mechanic: Oh, the paper in your car. Well, not so much the paper, but the AMOUNT of paper in your car.
____

I crossed paths with an old aquaintance from law school yesterday. We maybe had one conversation in law school, but he remembered my name. I was so impressed. Way to apply the whole - How to Win Friends and Influence People - principle of remembering people's names. Went to a party tonight and ran into a few other lawyers who practice with him. They say he is just amazing that way; always remembers peoples' names. I appreciate that quality. Makes me want to be more like that. Thanks for inspiring me David, I can't spell your last name...
_________

Experience as I was leaving work with a foot and a half of files in my arms because my bag broke from over use (or abuse, whichever you like better):

Sariah (name changed to respect employment contract):  You really have a lot of files in your arms.  Are you sure you don't want help, because you really look like you need help...? 

Me:  Oh, no.  I'm fine, but thanks. [as we pass security guard]

Security Guard:  Hey, do you need help carrying those files? 

Me:  No, really, I'm fine, but thank you.

Security Guard:  You really need help carrying those files.

Me:  Maybe, but really, I'm sure I'll make it to my car.



A few seconds later...

Two african-american dudes with dread locks and pants hanging low:  Hey, do you need help carrying those files?

Me:  No, but thanks so much for the offer.

Dudes - with sincere look of concern:  You really do need help with those files.  Are you sure you don't want us to help you?

Me:  Oh, thank you so much for being willing to help, but I really will be fine.  [Touched by their genuine concern.  Big smile of sincere appreciation for their kindness]

Dude:  You know, you have a really pretty smile.

Me:  Thanks so much!

Day made. 

I may just smile at a few more people...
and remember a few more names...
and try to cut back on the paper in my car. 

That last one may be shooting a little too high...

Half Marathon 2012

I have trained for two half marathons which I did not run, and run two half marathons for which I did not train. By the end of yesterday's half marathon I was done. I was not two for two. No need for more. Before I ran the half marathons I'd run a marathon and decided that one was enough to check it off my list. Done and done. I was hot and sweaty. It was at least 90 degrees, no exageration and the ENTIRE course was uphill. I have a passionate dislike for hills, and I am exceptionally bad at them. To top it all, I felt sick, the kind of sick only ladies are aquainted with. It was miserable. But quit I did not, and finish I did. At the end my legs hurt, I was drained of energy, hot, sweaty, and convinced that this too would be checked off my list of things to do in life. I was somewhat sad that my once adventurous spirit was becoming less so because that list I made as a young girl was slowly completed. What will I be doing with myself 10 years from now? I ran the race with my old roommate Liza. We sat, ate, recovered. Then the awards ceremony started. We had already decided we didn't want to stay for the awards ceremony, but we were too tired to move, so there we were. They started with the oldest category first - what seemed to me to be the very, very old category. Then to the sixties...then the fifties. My thoughts - 'Wow, these women look amazing...and they have 20 years on me...and they beat me, by a lot. That could be me in 20 years.' Keep in mind that I have now eaten a banana, rehydrated myself, and my body is slowly feeling better, and so is my spirit. I didn't win any awards in this race, other than the one they give everyone who doesn't quit.

But here is the thing, we all know that exercise is great for our health - but to really see it for the first time is a wholly different experience. These women in their late 50's looked vibrant, and honestly they were leaders and many of them had managed to convince large groups of other people to run with them. They were socially connected, and physically they looked decades younger than their physical age. My decision to quit racing was killed by seeing these vibrant, older women. As I drove the two hour drive home in my rusty old car, I remembered an article I had read several years back about how astounded French scientists to see the results of how good running was for one's health. So quit I will not, and continue I will for these, and many other reasons.

The Men Who Make Our Dreams Come True

Sometime this past year the realization hit me that my Dad is the man in my life who has made all my dreams come true. He and my mother taught me to dream, then helped me make those dreams a reality. He put me through college. He put me on a mission. He funded my study abroad. Thanks to him I was able to be debt free right out of college and be independent enough to pursue the things I really wanted.

Tonight I was reading a blog that I follow; the blog of a perfect stranger. She couldn't help but talk about how amazingly selfless her husband is. And to be honest, reading it made me want to be more selfless. I'd love to be able to make someone that happy. It inspired me.

That is the thing I love about guys. And I know I generalize -a lot, but let me here.

I am so grateful for my older brother, Ethan; for our endless hours of conversation. For his frank and happy way of being that I love so much. I am grateful for the way his first thought when he realized I'd driven to Georgia was to see if he could fix my air conditioning.

I am grateful for my little brother, Vince, for his sweet nature. I had to learn to be careful when I was in law school when I answered the question "How are you?", because he'd find a way to do something about it. He'd always ask for permission to call me from Belgium when he was on a mission there while I was serving in France.

I will always be grateful for my high school sweetheart, Chris. He was so other-centered that it baffled me. He taught me that I could be, and was loved. Even all these years later, his influence still makes me want to be a better person. Furthermore, when life throws its punches, I hold my head up a little higher when I think of how he treated me. He made me believe in my own value because he genuinely did. His kindness melted walls I didn't even know existed.

There are also my guy friends who always seem to contact me when life seems to be blue (ahem, Nate, his timing is nearly always flawless). Or who thankfully only work ten minutes away when I'm stranded on the side of the highway in 100 degree weather with a flat tire. (Ahem, Brett - he dropped everything to come help). Or there was the time my car got broken into and Chad drove an hour down and spent the day helping me replace my window and repair my car. There are guy friends who allow me to stretch my wings (Shaun) and ones who are consistent friends even after years and years (Jake - he has been far more forgiving and patient than I deserved). And of course, there are the guys who have been, usually without knowing it, direct answer to prayer (Charles - helped me fix my roof without lnowing Id spent my morning praying for that specific help and Mark- he and his wife brought me food once after I'd prayed for it without knowing of my prayers).

I am so grateful for all of them. They say that the errand of angels is given to women...but I would venture to say that it isn't gender specific.

Here's to all the guys who make our lives so awesome.

Second Hand Stories

I called Grandma and Grandpa tonight to tell them about the movie Red Tails. These were the stories I got in return, plus one from my friend Brett.

On John Walling:

John Walling was a childhood friend of Grandma's and an only child in his family. He somehow mananged to make it on to Japanese ground, take pictures, and bring them back to Nantucket. Unfortunantly, John was killed later in a submarine. Naturally, most of the Nantucket boys joined the Navy, being seamen and all.

Grandma went on to say that in the basement of Auburn Cottage there is a wooden post with the initials JW carved in them. John had carved these when he was a kid, and Great-Grandma Jones didn't have the heart to paint over it after John died. Grandma said he was one of the nicest people.

I'll have to check that out next time I make it to Nantucket.



Auburn Cottage, where Grandma grew up

On Depth Charges:

Grandma and Grandpa asked me if I'd ever heard of these...and no, I'd never heard of them. Grandpa told me I'd lived a sheltered life. Indeed, I've never lived through a world war. Grandpa explained that the submarines would try to find other submarines. So the German submarine, for example, would shut off all of its power, try to make absolutely no noise, and the American submarine would listen for it, and use their machinery to figure out where the submarine was, and then bomb away at it.

Grandma, who lived on Nantucket Island during the war said that at nights they could feel the depth charges. Auburn Cottage was right on the harbor. They'd get to school the next day and ask each other if they felt the depth charges. Some had, some hadn't, but they hoped they'd gotten the German submarines.



Ginette, Colette, Aunt Anne (mom's sister) and Uncle Jack with an ocean facing picture by Auburn Cottage

On the Tuskegee Airmen:



My friend Brett used to work for a carpet cleaning company and one night he got a call from a house that he didn't realize he was supposed to be cleaning. It was an honest mistake, but it caused him to be quite late to that appointment.

When he got there the man was irritated. To make matters worse, Brett blew a fuse. And to make matters even worse, he blew the fuse again. The very irritated man at this point brought Brett down to the fuse box. On the way down, the man pointed to a photo and asked Brett if he knew what it was. In fact, he did. And he realized that this man was a former Tuskegee Airmen. The irritation melted on the part of the man when he realized Brett knew what he was, and respect grew on the part of Brett, and the entire feeling of the night changed. The man showed Brett a book about the Tuskegee. There were so many more people in the book that Brett expected, until it dawned on him that every single mechanic, personel, etc. were all included in this group and they have reunions every year.

On the desegregation of the U.S. military:

Grandpa said that he was a part of the military when Harry Truman integrated blacks and whites in the military. Grandpa, a northern boy, was in the navy and working in the hull of a ship when a new man came down to work with them. Since he was coming down on a ladder, his feet were the first thing they saw. There was a southern boy down there with my grandfather and as soon as he saw the color of the man's legs he found a phone and called upstairs.

Southerner: Sir, the man coming down here is colored.

Officer: What color is he?

Southerner: Black.

Officer: Well, don't worry, it won't rub off on you. [And he hung up.]

Smile, You Don't Know Who Is Watching

This morning I stopped at my usual stop light on the way to work when that strange feeling you get when someone is looking intently at you came over me. Looking to my right I noticed a pedestrian on the street looking right at me as I waited for the light to turn. I suddenly became very self-aware. What was so unusual about me sitting in my car that it would cause a pedestrian to pause? - I mused. It was then that I realized I was just sitting there in my car with a huge, genuine smile.

I couldn't help it. The guy on the radio had cracked an incredibly witty joke causing me to laugh outloud, alone in my car. But you don't just go from laughing to straight faced, you kind of smile for a while after - and that was the very moment the pedestrian caught me. I guess there is something that gives a pedestrian pause when a person sitting in her car during rush hour traffic in downtown St. Louis is randomly smiling.

With that said, later in the day I came across this:




Enjoy!

Something Strange is Lurking....

My second year of college, I noticed that there was something strange about these people, but I couldn't put my finger on it. There was this...helpfulness, that I just didn't understand. A case in point was this guy in my apartment complex, Will. One of my roommates was not feeling well one day and Will, in his usual Will way, went door-to-door in our appartment complex trying to find her an asprin, or something of that sort. After 20 minutes or so, he did find it for her, and brought it by. But the thing was that Will, and so many others did this kind of thing ALL THE TIME. They seemed to always be on the look out for helpful things they could do, and then they would do it.

This may not seem strange to you, but of course it is important to understand that I was 19 years old, just coming out of one of the most selfish stages of a person's life - here, most notably mine. My friends and I were coming out of the stage of life where you try to get away with as little responsibility as possible, and the bottom line is that YOUR convenience and YOUR wellbeing were paramount. Up until that year, my peers had always been the same age as me.

I had pondered this phenomenon for a while that year. What WAS it that drove these people, so many of them, to be SO helpful ALL the time? Didn't they get sick of it? What ever made them to be that way?

As a backdrop to the series of Stud/ettes of the Month, Will, coincidentally, was the first ever stud of the month. We blew up his picture and posted it prominently on our fridge that Will was our Stud of the Month. My apartment kept him as stud of the month for an entire year because each time we'd consider nominating someone new, he'd do something else so genuinely thoughtful that no one could compare. (So there you have it, Will was the Stud of all Studs of the Month).

A few years went by, and I found myself in France, with a black tag pinned to my chest announcing to the world that I was a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ. As a missionary, my entire life changed. My life wasn't about me anymore. Not my schooling, not my goals. It was about everyone else from sun up to sun down.

Sometimes it was about serving my companion or other missionaries. But most of the time, it was about everyone else. Before my life had been about school work and adventure. I could bury myself in the library to get school work done for hours at a time. But now, I was on the streets talking to people, meeting with people - people who I would NEVER have met in my college life. I am convinced that there is something about representing Christ that causes people to open up much more quickly. There were so many times in meeting with people that they would tell us so much about their interior world. Things that are tender, personal and generally only shared with the closest of friends. We didn't ask for these stories, but I guess when people see that you are representing Christ, that it is their place to share these things with you. I found so many walls inside myself melting. Here were the poor, the tired, the hungry and the humble. So much comprehension of humanity that I didn't know I didn't have. My compassion for others grew.

There are promises that I suspect most missionaries make to themselves about their future. I will never forget this. I will always serve people. I will really listen. I won't let people around me in my future be so neglected as some of these people have been. And you really, really mean it.


(Picture copied from Will's facebook of him on a mission)

The thing is, that you generally come away from a mission a little...different. A little more Will-like. There was some point on my mission that it clicked for me. Those strange service-oriented people - they had all served missions. You see, boys in the Church of Jesus Christ typically leave when they are 19 to serve their missions. The women leave at the age of 19. So when I was 19, my male peers were all gone to serve, and the older ones were, for the first time, part of my peer group. As a 22-year-old, I too joined the ranks of returned missionaries.


(Me as a missionary in Marseilles)

Naturally, most of us fall short of the promises we made ourselves. We go back to school and life. We are still a little...different. But sometimes, those poignant feelings that caused us to become that way dim just a bit, but it is always still there.

But part of being a "Mormon" is that service is part of the program. Everyone is assigned people whom they are to teach and serve. Right now, I've got four ladies assigned to me. I teach one lady, we'll call her Judy for the sake of ananymity. She is much older than me, married, and handicapped with a degenerative disease. She rarely leaves the house, so visits are most welcome, health allowing. I dutifully visit her once a month. Sometimes, I don't. But today I had scheduled a visit with her. She had offered to make me lunch.

Over some homemade meatloaf we discussed life. Her legs are getting worse. Her eyes are getting better. She takes great pride in her garden. I've never seen her at a Sunday service, it is possible that I never will. She is incredibly intelligent and very giving. It was a genuinely enjoyable lunch and that feeling of admiration towards another human settles gently in. As part of my duty, I ask, and in addition try to seek out what her needs might be, and how I can best serve her. I left making the mental note that I need to be back this spring to help her plant her garden.

As I was driving home, I re-realized, just how great doing service for others makes me feel. It has a way of putting me in a profoundly great mood. Not only does it open my eyes and humble me, but it does bring a sense of genuine happiness that leaves its mark much the same way I feel my skin glow and my muscles feel more healthy beneith my skin for hours and days after a good work out. But strangely, service is like exercise, and I forget how great it feels until I do it again and then, the memories flood back of my mission, the promises - this amazing feeling. Remembering awakens the appetite that has been there, unnoticed, all along.

And in that perfect way that Heavenly Father manages to time things in my life, as I opened the New Testament where it is marked and I just happened to be reading in John 13 - the scripture about Christ washing his apostles' feet.

"If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you."

It took me a long time to realize that the strangeness lurking beneath Will and others stemmed from here.