Book Review: Rising Strong (Brene Brown)

"It's so hard to be face down on the arena floor, but if you open your eyes when you're down there and take a minute to look around, you get a completely new perspective of the world. You see more struggle - more conflict and suffering. It can make you more compassionate if you open your eyes and look around while you're down there."

When Nikki dropped off this book for me to read, she sat down in my living room and we caught up on life. Her uncle had just died a few days before, and she described to me how she could hardly even drive back from Colorado when she heard the news because she was crying so hard. It felt like a piece of her was gone. When she got home, for the first time in her life she has absolutely no motivation to do ANYtHiNg. This was something she had never experienced before.

As I sat there listening to her I had tears streaming down my face. Just a few days before a guy I had really liked broke up with me - so my emotions were especially sensitive.  In hearing about her pain I could empathize on a level that I normally couldn't. It was like I could feel her pain. So when I read the bolded text above, it really rang true to me. When you are down, you can understand the struggle in others better. (It seems I read Brene Brown's books whenever I've just gone through a break up. I read Daring Greatly after my last break up.) Honestly though, I think that is the perfect time to read them because it gives you a sense of purpose as you lean into your pain and cope with it in a healthy way.

"Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us."

This book is about how to get up after you have chosen to be vulnerable and fallen down. 

"Choosing to be vulnerable involves risk, which means you have a likelihood of failure. Heartbreak and hurt is part of the process."

Here are my favorite quotes from the book:

"If we are going to put ourselves out there and love with our whole hearts, we're going to experience heartbreak." pg. xx

"The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop being hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect." Pg. 4

"But when we are defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you're not in the arena getting your [rear] kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback." Pg. 4

"Fortune may favor the bold, but so does failure." Pg. 4

"Courage transforms the emotional structure of our being." Pg. 5

"Creativity is the ultimate act of integration - it is how we fold our experiences into our being." 

 I LOVE this concept. Creativity is the process of integration.

"Humans are feeling machines that think."

"When you are on your path, 

the universe will conspire to help you."

"Experience and success don't give you easy passage through the middle space of struggle."

"Experience doesn't create even a single spark of love guy in the darkness of the middle space. It only stills in you a little bit of faith in your ability to navigate the dark."

The following quotes really made me think. I sometimes don't hold up my boundaries where I should, and I often think of it as a good thing. But my mother, who is one of the very finest people I know, holds her boundaries, and as I thought about it, all of the best and happiest people I know do. They aren't unkind, but they are kind to themselves too, and they hold their boundaries. She tells some great stories about how she processed and arrived at these truths.

"How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don't value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?"

"We don't judge people when we feel good about ourselves." P. 117 

"There is no integrity in blaming or turning to it's not fair and I deserve. I need to take responsibility for my own well-being."

"I'm not good enough and I'm better than you are two sides of the same coin. Both are attacks on our worthiness. We don't compare when we are feeling good about ourselves; we look for what's good in others. Self-righteousness is just the armor of self-loathing."

"As miserable as resentment, disappointment, and frustration make us feel, we fool ourselves into believing that they're easier than the vulnerability of a difficult conversation."

"What boundaries do I need to put in place so I can work from a place of integrity and extend the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words, and actions of others?"

"Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them."

"I am going to be generous in my assumptions and intentions while standing solidly in my integrity and being very clear about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable."

"Hold people accountable for their actions in a way that acknowledges their humanity."

"People learn how to treat us based on how they see us treating ourselves."

"If I don't put value on my work and my time, neither will the person I'm helping."

"Boundaries are a function of self respect and self love."

"Even on the rare occasion when living BIG leaves me feeling vulnerable, I'm still left standing squarely in my integrity."

"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." Anne Lamott

"As I lay in bed that night, my curiosity showed up, as it often does, as a prayer." 

P 161

I love this.

May you always do for others and let others do for you. 

Bob Dylan

"Wholehearted was is as much about receiving as it is about giving."

P 179

Trust - choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions. P. 198

Power - the ability to achieve our purpose and effect change. P. 201

"We are most dangerous to ourselves and the people around us when we feel powerless." Pg. 201

"Hope is a cognitive process!!!" Pg. 202

"Hope is a function of struggle."

"Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful."

"We can't compartmentalize our selves. We have to put our whole selves on the table, good, bad and ugly."

Nikki and I were discussing the book on our run this morning, and we agree. This book along with Daring Greatly should be on a must read list for everyone.

How to Accomplish Your Perennial New Year's Resolutions

My perennial new year's resolutions have been to learn piano and Spanish.

Today, in my usual anticlimactic way of finishing my major life accomplishments - 

I finally finished learning piano!! 

I quietly crossed it off of my life goals and ate dinner.

So how did I do it, and what made this time different?

(1) Pomodoro Technique - Pick a reward for yourself, and set a timer for 20 minutes, and work on your task for 20 minutes. I learned about this technique in a class I took a couple of years ago. It was taught as a method to overcome procrastination. As they said in the class, you can do anything for 20 minutes. They explained that choosing a treat for yourself activated the limbic portion of the brain and helped you stay motivated.

As I applied this technique, I found it to be really effective for me. Suddenly things that had been on my list of things to do forever were getting done when I committed myself to work on them for 20 minutes. There is something about not feeling like you have to do this dreaded task for a long time. Just 20 little minutes.

I started applying this to piano because I hated reading notes. It was so arduous! But I could subject myself to 20 minutes of torture and be done for the day. And it was torture for me - at first.

(2) Timing - I went running one morning and when I came home I decided to sit down at the piano for my 20 minutes. Oddly, I noticed that points in the songs that were normally very frustrating for me I could work through much more easily. This surprised me, but it was a great discovery. I learned that when I approach a task is important. There are times when I am better at working on a hard task than others. I am more sluggish when I am tired, and best after running.

(3) 20 hours - As I was ever so slowly progressing at piano, my brother sent me this TED talk. The speaker said that you could learn anything in 20 hours. This became my new target. This is important because goals are most effectively set when they are quantifiable. This 20 hour notion gave me something specific to work toward. At 20 hours, I would consider this goal accomplished.

(4) Tracking - I had read a lot of books about how successful people track things. So I started a note in my phone and started specifically tracking my practice.

This is my total log:

Piano - goal 20 hours - 1200 min, 60 sessions

9/14/15 - 20 min

9/17/15 - 20 min

9/19/15 - 10 min

9/22/15 - 20 min (1 hour 10 min)

9/25/2015 - 20 min (1.5 hours. 18.5 to go)

9/26/2015 - 20 min (1 h 50 m. 18 h 10 min to go)

9/30/2015 - 16 min (2 h 6 min. 17 h 56 min)

10/13/15 - 17 min. (2h 22 min)

10/15/15 - 16 min. (2 h 38 min)

10/20/2015 - 20 min. (2 h 58 min)

10/21/2015 - 22 min. (3 h 18 min)

10/29/2015 - 22 min (3 h 40 min) (16 h 20 min left)

11/4/15 - 20 min (4 hours) (16 hours left)

11/07/2015 - 20 min (4 h 20 m) (15 h 40 m left)

11/10/2015 - 20 minutes (4 h 40 m) (15 h 20 min left)

11/30/15 ish 40 min  (5 h 20 min) 14 h  40 min left

12/09/15 - 20 min (5 h 40 min) 14 h 20 min remaining.

1/3/16 - 20 min. 6 hours down. 14 to go.

1/4/16 - 20 min 6 h 20 min down 13 h 40 min to go

1/7/16 - 20 min 6 h 40 down, 13h 20 min to go

1/9/16 - 60 min 7 h 40 min down, 12 h 20 min to go

1/13/16 - 20 min. 8 hours down, 12 h remaining.

1/16/16 - 40 min 8 h 40 m done. 11 h 20 min to go

1/17/16 - 120 m. 11 h 40 m done. 8 h 20 min To go.

1/19/2016 - 20 min. 12 h done. 8 h to go.

1/20/16 - 40 min. 12h40m. 7h20m

1/21/16 - 20 min 13 h. 7 h to go.

1/24/16 - 40 min. 14h40m. 6h20m

1/25/16 - 80 min. 16h. 5h.

1/26/16 - 60m. 17h. 4h.

1/30/16 - 20m. 17h20m. 3h40m.

2/1/16 - 20m. 17h40m. 3h20m.

2/6/16 - 60m 18h40m 1h20m.

2/7/16 - 80 min. 20 h 0 min.

Goal Complete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(5) Method - My roommate keeps a three ring binder of music that she is working on, so I decided to do the same. I photocopied the 12 songs I wanted to learn. Eventually, I put them in order from easiest to hardest, When I got frustrated with the hard, I'd go back to the easy. When I was fresh back from running, or feeling more capable, I'd switch to the hard. 

Eventually, I started highlighting the challenging parts of the songs. When I would practice the song, I would work through the hard parts first, and then play the song through.

I accomplished something I never thought would be possible for me. Obviously, I'm no Mozart, but when push comes to shove, I can now read music. 

Now, when I am looking at a song I think - I can learn that. 

And it feels great.