Dating: Never Married vs. Divorced After a Certain Age

I write this after getting a call from my boyfriend this morning to tell me he is going to Australia and that he is leaving in an hour. I'm happy for him although a little shocked just because despite talking fairly regularly on the phone, he never mentioned this well-formulated plan. It was an impulse buy, he says...except that it wasn't really. He's been checking out prices for weeks. I thought it was odd that I knew he had a week free the beginning of January and never mentioned coming to visit. I'm not hurt that he's going - even though I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving. It's more that he never mentioned it.

Today he's been busy announcing his trip on Facebook, yet he is always careful to never to mention me on Facebook, to his family, and to any friends who aren't in his super tight inner circle. He's quite affectionate if we are alone, but not at all if his friends are around. This may seem strange, but actually this is par for the course for his type of guy - i.e. normal, likable, never-married 37 year old - soon to be 38 year old. I knew that going into it.

I write this blog entry because, for whatever reason, I can't sleep tonight and so I have time to think and write about these things.

When I was in my late teens and early 20's, guys kind of drove me a little nuts with how much time they needed. In high school I swear I was the center of my boyfriend's universe. Our daily conversations were - Me: Hey, what are you up to? Him: Just waiting to hang out with you. It drove me crazy that he had little to no life outside of me. He had no goals besides me. He was always bored without me there. Arg. You can't be that interesting if you all you think about and care about is me! - thought my high school self. I did love how adoring he was; it just lacked substance.

In college, I found that when I started dating someone and suddenly he was at my house EVERY DAY. I had things to do, classes to prepare for. Then post college, I had more time - but oh my goodness, when I was in relief society presidencies I had girls to take care of, and I couldn't do that sitting there chatting with the guys. Sometimes I wished they would give me a little more space to take care of people.

Then, one fine day, I started getting asked out by a super adorable guy who was 27 - the oldest guy I'd dated by that time in life. He was a game changer. He was there, but not there. I had never been dating a guy who wasn't there before (i.e. emotionally unavailable). It was odd. He'd ask me out consistently, but never work towards establishing a relationship. He was playing the game, but not really playing at all. It was so maddening. Finally, another guy figured out that he wasn't there, and we ended up dating instead.

I come back to this guy because he represents a 'trend'. Now this 'trend' isn't evident in all guys 27 and older. Just some. Exclusions include guys who like girls but just can't get their game on - too shy to ask girls out, whatever; guys who live in really isolated places so there aren't many options; guys who really try but face a lot of rejection for reasons obvious to the ladies and everyone else, but not to them; guys who don't care all that much about being in relationships; guys who don't like ladies and guys who are anti-relationship.

So as you get older, the guys like high school boyfriends, college boyfriends, post-college boyfriends slowly disappear, and more and more of these not really there guys start showing up.  It is so odd at first, but then you slowly get used to it. This happens for a while, until one day, divorcees start joining your dating pool.

Now divorcees come with a great deal of stigma. They have baggage. They must be crazy/selfish/impossible to live with. Stay away! But here is the thing, they are also game changers....because they are part of the pool of guys who used to think their lady was the center of their universe, or they were the guys who would show up at your house EVERY DAY, or they were the guys who were always trying to get your attention when you had other things to do. In short, they were there. But unlike the pool of non-exclusionary guys left by your late 20's/early 30's - A - they were really interested in having relationships and B - most importantly - they were both willing and able to be vulnerable. Something that by this time, you haven't seen in a very long time. The first time my divorced boyfriend said he missed me, that he'd looked up ticket prices and hoped that I'd come visit - it was a shocking breath of fresh air. I bought the tickets and was there the next weekend. I mean, who admits that they miss someone less than a week into the relationship? Not guys who fit the 'trend'.

But we aren't done yet. If you keep dating, yet another pattern starts appearing. This is the over 40, never-married group. They get their own group because they are a breed of their own. They are the proud doctorates of the guys who continue to be the 'trend'. No matter how great he sounds, if it is a choice between Mr. No Baggage and Mr. Baggage, consider the divorcee unless you are already hopelessly in love, you have direct inspiration to date Mr. No Baggage, you have nothing to lose and/or you like being miserable. They are probably the most emotionally impervious group of people out there. They don't talk like they are, but once you start dating them - there it is.

So, here is my little plug for divorced guys. If you are over 30 and you like dating guys who will make you the center of their universe, show up every day, openly admit to others that he is dating you, don't write him off quite so quickly. I'm not saying every divorced guy is worth a serious pause, I'm just saying - think about it for more than a hot second. There are, and will always likely be plenty of exclusionary guys - and they deserve a plug for consideration too, but the 'trend' guys tend to get more emotionally odd as time goes on. If you are up for the emotional challenge of dating one - go for it, just know that you will likely find yourself up late at night pondering your dating situation while he is, not all that surprisingly, in Australia.