Studette of the Month - November 2011

I wake up, groggy, feeling like I've been hit in the head by a truck. It isn't a hang-over, it is just the way I feel most mornings. I can barely get my body to shuffle itself down the stairs. I head to the kitchen, expecting to pour myself cold cereal and maybe while I crunch away at breakfast the clouds in my brain will slowly disapate.

As I round the corner into the kitchen my puffy eyes spot a milk shake and a plate covered with cloth. My tired brain registers that Etanim has done it again, she has left me breakfast. A wave of gratefulness registers as I take the breakfast and mosey my waking self into the dining room to eat.


(Photo of actual breakfast left for me this summer)

If this were an isolated event, Etanim probably wouldn't be Studette of the Month. In the two and a half years I've lived with her and Max, she has always been this way.

When I first moved in she asked me if I was excited to live there with them. I was thrilled, actually. She said - we are excited to have you live here with us too - in a thick Spanish accent of course. I couldn't not express to her at the time, and I am sure I haven't since, the gratefulness I felt just being around someone so kind.

The remarkable thing about Etanim is that she is endlessly thoughtful. If I am planning on attending a formal dance, she will have prepared a little gift of jewelry that matches my dress. Dinner often awaits me when I come home from work. Kindness, patience, natural generosity - these are not just things she aspires to, but honestly just who she is.

Max locked himself out of their room last week and I was on my way out to a Halloween party. I had a black wig on with hair down past my waist and a dress that nearly went to the floor. Of course, selfishly I really wanted to go to my party. On the other hand, I could hardly leave a single mother, flustered at the idea that they might need to sleep on the couch until they could figure out how to get back in. Thankfully, I've locked myself out of more than a few doors in my life time, and I couldn't just selfishly leave so I set out to help them open the door. An hour and a half later, with about thirty flicks of this rediculously long hair over my shoulder, she told me to go. She had another friend coming and she didn't want me to miss my party. I felt bad, but she insisted. She insisted and she looked me in the eye and told me she was not just saying that. That is the beauty of Etanim, there is no hidden agenda. She said it, I could feel that she meant it, and she did. But that is Etanim, there she truly keeps the best interest of the people around her in mind. (Thankfully, when I got home, they were safely in their room.)

We are different but similar. Similar in that we both love to travel and have a natural sense of ambition. Different in that she loves to cook and is endlessly creative. She is artistic and loving. She can dance better than I can ever hope for. She has the long wavy black hair I always wished I had. She has that rare ability to be utterly selfless. I wish I could even capture well in this blog entry the levels of genuine human greatness found in her character...but I can't. Just know that this is the tip of a very large iceberg and that it has been, and continues to be an honor and a privilege to associate with this amazing person.

(I'd add a picture, but I can't find one that honestly does her any justice.)

On Civility

I love her authenticity.

The Key to Avoiding Financial Unsuccess

I've been meaning to write this post for quite sometime. You may be aware that I am a bankruptcy (and immigration) attorney in the state state with the highest bankruptcy filings in the nation. What can I say, we are good at our job. As a result, I have met with hundreds and hundreds of people regarding their financial status. I have learned a few things and decided to compile a list of things that may be of help in avoiding financial unsuccess.

(1) Open your mail.

Personally, I think this should be done right after you get your mail, but that is just me. (Who has meet with HUNDREDS of financially unsuccessful people...HUNDREDS...and this is advice number one....just saying...)

(2) Read your mail.

Pay attention to what it says too. I know, I'm so demanding.

(3) Organize your mail.

I recommend buying $10.00 file bins from Office Depot, getting file folders, and labeling the folders. Trust me, it works better than bags of unopened mail.

(4) Have some system of paying attention to where your money is spent.

I.e. - if you have $1,000 left over after paying for your necessecities, do actually know where this money goes. I recommend www.mint.com, but really, what ever helps you pay attention to where the funds go will be great.

(5) Live below your means.

People lose jobs. People get injured, have cancer, etc. It happens. When they get new jobs, they don't always make what they used to. So, if you are going to choose to incur debt, incur debt that could be paid back given the worst case scenario (i.e. unemployment check, $7.25 an hour job).

(6) Pay yourself.

By this I mean, get into the habit of setting aside at least 10% of your income for savings and/or investments. By doing this (A) you are learning to live below your means (i.e. on 90% of your income) (B) It gives you a cushion for later.

(7) Pay attention to interest rates.

A few basics: If you buy something on a credit card and pay it back a few months later, you generally accrue interest. Therefore, paying for it with cash is often a better idea. No interest.

Secondly: It is a wise idea to know how much you will be paying in interest. It just is. So sit down, and do the math. It is worth your time.

(8) Don't marry a loser.

I know this sounds really mean. What I mean to say is, don't marry someone who does not have your best interest in mind. It can come back to bite you big time. When you financially intertwine, their choices affect you too. Not everyone is honest. Also, be considerate of how your spending habits affect your spouse. That is both mature and kind.

(9) Get out of the mind set that a house is a good "investment".

It isn't always a good "investment". Especially not in today's market. People are losing thousands at the drop in house prices. I feel like the "buying a home is an investment" idea came, in part, to convince people that incurring huge debt was a good thing. However, after meeting with hundreds of people about to lose their homes, I don't think it is always a wise finanical choice at all.

Keep in mind that with buying a house, your monthly expenses generally go up. Furnices are expensive to replace. Lawn mowers, snow blowers, and additional furniture often need to be bought. Utilies are higher. Property taxes, home insurance, these are all things that a person doesn't worry about when renting. And, walking away from a home is not as easy as it seems.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE MORTGAGE RATES. When you buy your home, actually sit down and calculate how much you are spending in interest. You may be shocked, and hence motivated to pay it off early.

GET A MORTGAGE THAT YOU CAN PAY OFF EARLY. Some mortgages don't allow you to do this.

(10) Buy a house that costs signifiancly less than what you can actually afford.

This way, when times get tough, you have enough reserves to make it through and you can afford it if your budget unexpectedly shrinks significantly.

(11) Don't get sick.

You know, it is expensive to get sick, then you can't work, insurance rates go up. Not so great for financial success. Just don't do it.

(12) Avoid student loans.

I say this as someone with student loans. But, if you are contemplating taking out student loans consider this. You can't discharge them in bankruptcy. You can't defer forever. They can take your tax returns, garnish your wages, freeze your bank accounts to get their money. And they do. And, P.S., it is about a million times harder to pay them back then it is to incur them. I can say this from experience.

(13) If you are going to modify your home loans consider this:

(a) Banks should all be shot for how shoddy their organizations are run. Trust me on this one.

(1) Not a single person in the entire organization has a clue what is going on.

(2) Even if they do, the next person you will speak to doesn't, and will totally contradict everything the person who knew what they were talking about said. But you will never know who actually knew what they were talking about.

(3) Hence, none of their representations hold much value.

If you are working on a loan modification and they tell you you don't have to pay the full mortgage price for a while, take the difference, and put it in the bank. That way when they deny your loan modification and put your house in foreclosure, you can pay it off....because they never tell you what happens if the loan modification is denied. They just put you in foreclosure.

(14) Buying an expensive car is a dumb financial idea for the most part.

If you can buy it cash, the more power to you. If you can't, don't get a lemon, get something fairly inexpensive but totally functional. Pay it off, and start saving for a new car. When it dies, buy the new car cash.

(15) Don't be overly generous.

That is great that you support your kids till they are 45. You probably feel like an angel. But you aren't. Cut the apron strings. They can literally drive you to bankruptcy if you are not careful. You may have a big heart, but in the end, if you give beyond what you have, you are giving away someone elses money. And that is stealing. Last I read, this isn't a good thing.

(16) Have awesome and supportive family and friends.

This may seem to contradict #15. But it doesn't. Being "overly" generous is not the same as being supportive. Just don't give what you do not have to give. But otherwise, be a supportive network to your family and have a supportive network of friends and family. People lose jobs. If you can lend out your basement to your brother and his wife until they get a new job, do it.

(17) Lastly, have a contingency plan. EXPECT a rainy day. It will come. So, what is the plan?

Of Love and Forgiveness

These are some songs I've fallen in love with.

This first song, I feel like it is a theme that many can relate to. I especially like the imagery of the family being observed from the perspective of the house. If you go to U-tube, you can get the story of how he came up with the idea for the song.



This second song...I don't like the video at all but I LOVE the song. In fact, I kind of think that watching the video will ruin the song. So...do me a favor, and if you are going to take the time to listen to it, don't watch the video the first time. Maybe the second time. I love so many aspects of this song. Listen it it, and if you like it too, share your thoughts with me because I'd love to hear them (you know, comment, e-mail, tell me about it next time you seem me, whatev).



Come to think of it, these songs are kind of opposites, or on two different sides of the spectrum, depending on how you look at things. One about family life falling apart, the other about founding a family (as the French so eloquently put it).

Enjoy

That They May Know to Prize the Good...

We are all different. I get that. I love running. Most people don't. It is a game of endurance. A person needs to be fairly fit to even attempt it, for starters. The feet, back, knees, hips, muscles, and heart need to be working at least decently to run. This is not the case for everyone. I get it.

But I love running.

I love the feeling of self satisfaction and respect I feel about myself when I get out of bed when I didn't want to.

I love the way my heart is still pumping hard for an hour or so after I've showered and started my day.

I love having an hour or half hour to just talk with someone while doing something so good and constructive for our bodies.

I have loved, loved, loved the friends I've made along the way; probably way more than they loved me.

I love supporting other people in their health and goals and seeing them fit, trim and happy.

I love knowing that I am doing something that is preventing many, many health problems that I am not even aware of.

I love both the direct and indirect impact this has for my well being and the well being of those around me.

But I have hardly been running at all in two years and I have missed it. I miss the company. I miss the feeling of health, I've missed the possitive impact it has on my life.

Today I got to go running, four miles. Good company. Fun run. Feel great. And I definitely appreciate it.

As I've been getting other things done today, the phrase "and they taste the bitter that they may know to prize the good" has come to mind. Sometimes, those times without the things we love are invaluable in teaching us not just to appreciate, but to prize the good.

So I've been busy prizing, and I love it.

Faith

When I lived in in Paris, I went to history museum containing relics of past civilizations. I remember walking by a completely ordinary object, I think it was a comb. In that moment, it dawned on me of just how many billions and billions of people have lived on this earth, and how tiny I am in comparison. The breadth-of-humanity-and-smallness-of-you epiphany is an important one to have, I think.

For some reason, in the past two weeks I've been thinking about this epiphany a lot. Mostly because every time I do, it also reminds me of the power I do have. To quote my journal from Paris, "I cannot correct all the wrongs of the world but I do control one small part of part of life, and that is me." So if this, my body, my life experience is all I really can, and ever will control of humanity, then I feel as if I need to make every moment count. I mean, this is MY life. MY only control. What will I (capital I) do with MY existence?

During this ongoing string of thoughts over the last few weeks, the scriptures about how he who loses his life will gain it kept creeping its way into my thoughts about MY life. The idea that if I take this one part of humanity, the only part of humanity for which I have any say at all, and give it away, that this is truly the only way to gain it. Yet another paradox of religion. Something I needed to wrap my head around.

I also tend to think a lot about the divinity of Christ and the prophets. Mostly because I have a very strong testimony of it, and largely because this belief is constantly challenged by my aethiest friends who believe that Christ has no more value than being a 'good person'.

In Sunday School yesterday we discussed Christ and how he grew from grace to grace. Tha the did not start off with the fullness. He walked by faith. We talked about his baptism, though seemingly not logically needed, how he did it. In my mind, because of faith in his Father.

This person, Christ, who we so persistently study and try to emmulate. He lived on the earth for 33 years. Many have looked to him because he taught good principals. Love one another. Serve those lesser than you. Sacrifice.

But really, it is about his divinity. To ignore this is to ignore the most crucial point. His example is deeper than just kindness. His example is of faith. He was baptized because his father asked him to. He served because the Father asked him to. He drank of the bitter cup because the father asked him to, saying something to the effect of - Father not MY will but THY will be done. He did not want to do it.

So as I reflect back from his life to MY life and MY one and only little chance at the vast, vast pool of humanity what do I want with MY life. My conclusion after two weeks of pondering the topic is that I do want to give. Give everything. But the undergirding of the whole thing is faith. Other people may chose to live differently, but this is, after all MY life. And I am choosing to give it away.

Why Faith?

My friend Christina gave a talk this Sunday about Christ. She started off talking about how she used to think that everyone had some basic knowledge of who Christ is, until she got to college. One day one of her dorm mates from China pulled her aside and asked her who was this person in all of these pictures. The pictures were of Christ. Christina was in shock that this dorm mate had no idea at all who Christ was, so they would get together and study about Christ. Her friend had compelling questions, like - why is it so important to have faith in this person...that he would accomplish what they said he would accomplish?

That question has been rattling around in my head every since I heard the talk. Really, why is it so important?

I feel like I have a pretty good idea of the purpose of my life, and what it eventually leads to. But one thing I do not fully understand is why developing faith is so important, particularly faith in Christ. I have noticed from reading the scriptures and from my life experience that faith is one of the most important things we need to develop in this life. But one doesn't need faith to learn to love, and if love is the end goal, then why do all of the angels, repeatedly testify of Christ, and work to promote faith in Christ? Why do all of the scriptures point to Christ, both the old and the new Testaments? Why does that seem to be the end goal of everything the prophets write and say?

Now you can now understand how I used to drive my mother crazy with all of my 'why' questions as a child.

I had an epiphany yesterday as I was reading an article called The Education of President Obama. The article talks a lot about the falling popularity of the president and his ability to do the things he set out to do. Having read the book Love is Eternal which is about Abraham Lincoln, it sounded familiar: the endless voices of criticism, the shallow instability of peoples' confidence and support in their president. I spent yesterday morning thinking about how important confidence and support of a people are to a President.

Isaiah refers to Christ as the 'Prince of Peace'. The Lord's Prayer refers to God's "kingdom", (Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come…). And threaded throughout the scriptures there are references to Christ coming to rule and reign. So if he is to be our king, it is important that we believe in him. He was tested during his mortality. He is now the 'tried stone' (Isaiah 28:16), someone who did actually live his life as his Father in Heaven directed and did all that the angels and prophets foretold that he would. Despite inevitable death, He still did the right thing. Based on his mortal life, we can have confidence in Him.