How Will You Measure Your Life?

 

Today I had a 9:00 am hearing. I parked my car in my usual spot and walked across the park that is in the center of downtown. On my way, I walked by two homeless people. The contrast was stark. I was wearing a sharp, black suit and heals. Their clothing was worn and tattered. I was walking briskly with my court file and the book "How Will You Measure Your Life" tucked in my arms. They were just waking up.  One was packing up her sleeping bag. I felt a little hypocritical walking past them with this book hoping the man wouldn't ask me for money, because I had no intention of fueling any substance abuse. I was judging them, and at the same time thinking, if I could give anything, I'd want to put it towards paying for mental health treatment and other things that would solve the underlying issues that land people on the streets.

My walk is perhaps a mile. I am not entirely sure. But it isn't comfortable in heels. Of that I am sure. As I found my way closer to the court house I became aware of a man walking in the same general direction. We arrived at the court house at the same time. He was bald, in his 40's perhaps, with bright eyes. I thanked him for opening the door for me and he struck up a conversation as we walked through the spacious entrance towards the security line.

It turns out that he is a social worker. He has been doing it for 20 years, he said. As he told me what he did, I told him I'd heard that as much as 30% of the homeless have mental health issues. His eyes widened. "Oh, no. I think it is a lot bigger than that." He said. "I took my guys to have them tested the other day, and fifty-five of them had schizophrenia. You know, two things stop the voices. Medication and alchohol."

It was my turn to go through the metal detector and he gestured for me to go first. "Just what I do in the process of trying to save the world." He said.

"I admire you." I said, as I stepped through the detector. "I feel like every time I try to help the world I become disallusioned." And that was the last I saw of him.

As I sat in court reading my book, "How Will You Measure Your Life," I kept thinking that just then I was really regretting not asking him for his card.

Later that day I left work to run a few errands. On my way back a homeless man asked me for 50 cents, or any change that I had. Normally, I don't carry money at all, but it just so happened that I had grabbed coins for some street parking while I was at home for lunch. I reached into my purse to get some for him when he told me he wanted it for food.

I'm still much happier about giving food than money. Then I know what it went towards. I said, "Well, fifty cents isn't going to get you much of a lunch. Would you like some food?" He said yes, so we walked to a little burrito shop. There he ordered a modest lunch and asked for two more dollars for later. I told him I'd stick to lunch, and asked him all sorts of questions.

"Where are you from?" "Do you have family and friends here?" "Are you connected to any homeless programs?" "Do you have any job skills?" "Do you stay at the homeless shelter on Locust?"

Born in Granite City, but grew up in St. Louis. Yes, he stays at the homeless shelter on Locust. Mother died of a drug over dose, father died in an accident. He lost them both three years ago. He has four syblings, that he knows of. He has a brother, but his brother moved and he doesn't know where he lives now. His sister is always in trouble. He has applied for homeless programs. He has applied for all sorts of jobs, but no luck. He rattled off quite a long list of job skills - welding, point tuck, many construction skills, etc. He had joined job core, went out west, they didn't have jobs there, so they shipped him back to St. Louis, and here he is.

I wished him the best, and headed back to work. I asked him his name, knowing that no matter how hard I tried, I would not remember it. Gartain?? I even repeated it a few times to get it right. I'll remember his face though, and his story.

I really wish I'd gotten the card from the social worker this morning. Perhaps I could have accomplished conscious act of kindness #8.

In Giving, We Receive

Yesterday I set out to accomplish conscious act of kindness #6.  I texted my friend, picked him up from school, and took him grocery shopping.  He is really busy with school right now, but when I went to drop him off he stayed to talk.  Given how busy he is, I turned off my car, but kept my lights on.

It didn't seem like that long, but shortly after I waived good bye, and tried to start my car, it wouldn't start.  My battery (which I just had checked at Autozone a few weeks ago) had died.  Thankfully, I have jumper cables.  A security guard stopped by to help, my friend helped, and two guys who weren't too disturbed when I interrupted their intensely intellectual conversation to see if they wouldn't mind helping all came to the rescue.  The four of them arranged the cars, hooked up the batteries, all the while I sat in my car so that I could start it once they had everything in place. 

I sat there in my car thinking of how ironic it was that I had set out to give, and here I was receiving help from four people, three of whom were total strangers.

When I lived in Salt Lake I would notice this phenomenon over and over.  I'd set out to give - no strings attached, in fact, I sought nothing by it other than to help people and hopefully benefit their lives in some way.  In the end, the blessings poured back.  Thank you letters, gratefulness, service in return, respect, appreciation - in great abundance.  But, that isn't want I was seeking, it just came. 

The other thing that I realized, is that in giving, it has made me more aware of how much people around me give ALL the time.  It is hard to be a pessimist when I am constantly noticing generosity and kindness in others..

2, 3, 4, 5 Ah, Ah, Ah

 

This is a picture from today.  I pulled out my fall sweaters this morning and enjoyed the way my orange sweater matched the fallen leaves as I walked to my car to go to church.  Such a lovely day here in St. Louis.  Hope it is pretty where you are too!! 

Here are some more acts of kindness - only 955 to go:

Act of Kindness #2: Giving a ride today to a friend whose car is still in the shop.

Act of Kindness #3:  I had offered to give him a ride before and after his other attempts to arrange his own transportation fell through, he took me up on the offer.  Unfortunantly, he slept through his alarm and I had to leave.  But I showed up, so I'm counting it :) 

Today I offered to take him grocery shopping this week.  Apparently he had asked several friends to take him, but they had all forgotten.  Ah, the value of this goal. My friend will eat.

Act of Kindness #4:  And, my favorite - same friend.  We had a meeting we both needed to attend.  He had asked for a ride (he walks to school even when his car is working, and he is on my way), so I picked him up.  The meeting was over lunch time, and in my observations of him, he generally doesn't think ahead terribly well, so I packed two lunches that morning.  We got to the meeting and he asked if lunch was going to be served.  To which I responded, "I brought two lunches, because if I know you, you wouldn't have thought of it."  Somewhat belittling perhaps, but he smiled at that.  I think people like to be known.  He is a real foodie so I knew my simple lunch consisting of an orange and a ham and cheese sandwich wouldn't really hit the spot, but it was the best I could do. 

Act of Kindness #5:  Different friend - I'm not sure if this counts as an act of kindness, because in some ways it is self benefitting.  I cleaned a friend's office.  Okay, I work with this friend and it drives me insane that once a file ends up in his office we can't find it anymore.  It is also inhibiting to a thriving and efficient office when the other people in the office can't find things or clients have to wait because somewhere in this rediculously messy office the document is hiding.  He left on vacation.  I cleaned his office.  Hey, we are all happier with his office a little cleaner.

Act of Kindness #6:  Did the dishes at work for co-workers.



Experiences I am grateful for:  The lovely weather.  Perfect temperatures and TREES!!  I spent last week in Utah.  I love Utah for the social life, but I am a person who loves my trees and I love having them EVERYWHERE.  Hence, my picture on the top of the blog.  The trees here are changing and running on Saturday in the local park was so lovely it reminded me of Paris.  This picture doesn't do this tree any justice colorwise, but I loved the blue sky and the yellow of the tree. 

I am also grateful for a person named Mary Pinkston.  She is so funny.  I went to a bonfire on Saturday night and laughed and laughed.  I love her sense of humor. 

 

I am also grateful for the lunch a friend delivered to my office the other day.  It made getting out the door on Friday much easier since I had one less thing to worry about - a lunch. Being on the receiving end of kindness reminds you of how helpful it is - but even more so, how validating that someone cares enough to think of you.  It also made me realize that I just wish I was a little more creative in my giving. 

Lastly, my running buddy Lana.  The thing I love most about her is her consistency and honesty.  We did yoga on Friday morning, went running on Saturday morning, and I didn't know that she was teaching Sunday School on Sunday morning until I got to class.  In listening to her lesson, I noticed that she is exactly the same person teaching her lesson as she is running around the park or doing yoga.  The thing I love about that is that she isn't a show.  There is no fake smile, there is no pretending, there is no act.  She is Lana, in all instances.  She tells things as they are even at the risk that they may not make her look good.  I think sometimes she may feel like she doesn't always fit in, but I love her just like that.  Truthful, spunky, and most of all, genuine.

1/1000 Ah, Ah, Ah

I do miss the count from Sesame Street.  Can't you hear his voice echoing in your head now? Ah, ah, ah.


Random (Conscious) Act of Kindness #1:  A week or so ago, I was heading out to a football game and making blue berry muffins to share.  In light of my new resolution, I took one out, wrapped it up, and put it on my neighbor's doorstep on my way out. 

The thank you text I received later bubbled over with appreciation.



Lesson #1:  The Unexpected Lessons of Giving.

I think he thinks I like him now.  Humm.  I've got a lot to learn about this whole kindness thing. 

 

Experience Appreciated Today:

My Aunt and Uncle spent a few days here a couple of weeks ago.  Spending time with them was soooo great.  I live alone so having people here to chat with first thing in the morning and late into the night was so enjoyable. 

I never noticed before what generous people they are.  My new apartment is very, very sparcely furnished.  To the point that I bought the cooking ware so that I would have something in which to cook their dinner.  When I took the pyrex dish out of the oven I had no place holder to put it on (pyrex shatters if it is placed on a cold surface).  No worries!  They had just the thing.  An already prepared gift bag with the perfect gift, a cutting board from Maine; just the right size to put under my virgin pyrex dish. 

As the days went on I found that if I took them to the store, my groceries were paid for.  If I took them to dinner, my dinner was paid for.  When I looked in my silverware drawer, a pairing knife had suddenly sprouted.  When they left, a $20.00 bill lay peacefully with a note graciously expressing how much they appreciated visiting me. 

....

Today I stumbled out of bed late from having flown back to St. Louis last night.  In my kitchen there are the remains of a package found by my door last night from my Aunt and Uncle.  They had mailed me a decorative cloth shower curtain which matches the colors of my bathroom.  Simple, but so fitting because I only have a plain plastic shower curtain.  How could I not appreciate the thoughtfulness and continued generosity.

What impressed me also is that in the thank you note I sent them for coming I said that I wanted to hear about the adventures on the remainder of their trip to the midwest.  In the note sent with the package, my aunt told of their adventures in Wisconson.  That was my little flavor of home for the day that I relished.  My Aunt, a fellow New Englander, knew that when I asked and said I wanted to know about the remainder of their trip, I wasn't just being polite.  Of course I meant it, because that's how we are.   And probably, without even being consiously aware of it, in equal sincerity, she answered my inquiry.  Points for Aunt Anne and Uncle Jack.  Stellar people.  Greatly loved.  They are always welcome back!

(Unfortunantly, I rarely take pictures and didn't take any while they were here.  Here is a picture of them with my sisters a few years back.)

(Lesson learned from writing about the positive experience:  I was scratching my head for a while trying to think about what to write about, but then after thinking about it for a while, I remembered the package.  Experience number one in writing about a positive experience, it does force you to spend time reliving something that made you happy.)

...And The Pursuit of Happiness

 

 

 

 

Normally I try to write a blog entry for my birthday summing what I learned that year.  This year, I thought about it...but clearly it didn't materialize into a blog entry. 

But I did set a few goals, and I think that this year, I will use my blog to record the outcomes of these goals.



So, my dear blog followers, all three of you, my first goal was what I have called 'A Thousand Little Kindnesses'.  What I am going to do is write about these, all thousand of them.  I hope you find them entertaining and/or inspiring. 

With that said, I LOVE comments, as every blogger does.  So I would encourage you to join me in this.  Perhaps your goal will be five little kindnesses, but perhaps if you have a blog, put a link to it in my comments section, or write me a little story in the comments.  Or, just comment and I will appreciate it.

Tonight I watched this video:



and I learned a few things.

Most importantly, it is not your external enviromnment, but the lense through which you process the world that determines the overwhelming majority of your happiness.

• When you are happy, every learning section of your brain is activated.
• When you are happy, you are 31% more productive.
• The following are also benefits of happiness:  Better secure jobs, better keeping jobs, superior productivity, more resilient, less burn out, less turn over, and greater sales.

But interestingly the following things are the things one can do to help themselves generate happiness.

1.       Random acts of kindness – conscious acts of kindness.

2.       Gratitude because it forces your brain to scan for positive things

3.       Journaling – about one positive experience allows you to relive it. 

4.       Meditation – stops the constant ADD of the world, allows our brain to focus.

5.       Exercise – teaches your brain that your behavior matters.

So, my dear readers, I will write about my random acts of kindness and write about one positive experience when I write and things that I am thankful for. 

Let the experiment begin.

 

 

 

Silent Progress

One of the disadvantages of consistently changing my life is that there is no one around who can appreciate the progress with me. 

I am one of those people who was not born with an ounce of OCD.  I just wasn't.  My idea of cleaning as a child was taking a bag, and putting everything that was out of order in it.  If I never missed what was in it, I might throw it out eventually. 

I made fun of people who alphabetized things, whether it be movies, CD's, or books.

To be fair, I've tried to be mindful of my roommates.  But mostly I picked other roommates who weren't super neat either. I even avoided dating guys that seemed too neat.  I would drive them crazy, and if I couldn't make them happy....then they belonged with someone who could.

Most of my aversion to neatness was the fear that one day I'd become one of those incredibly intolerant people who used their own virtue of neatness as a measuring stick with which to beat someone else.  I wanted to be easy going in my living situations, with myself, with the world around me.  I just didn't see how the two could be compatible.

But then I became a lawyer and with it came deadlines, calendars, and an incessant need for efficiency. 

But really, it started with Lena.  Lena was one of those people where you knew whether or not she'd been in the office long before you saw her because she had a way of breeding order everywhere she went.  All of the staplers were lined up.  All of the papers were stacked neatly in their bins.  She even brought her own cleaning supplies to the office so she could clean her desk the way she wanted.  Everything had a place and it was just...so nice to have her tidiness around.  I grew to love it. 

Lets compare Lena to a contemporaneous co-worker, who I'll call Tom.  The clutter in Tom's office was so bad you couldn't tell he had a COUCH underneith it all most of the time.  One time he had ants in his office because he had rotting food in there that the ants realized they could eat.  Tom refused to kill the ants, so he'd put them in his shirt pocket and wistfully peer into his pocket when I'd be trying to talk to him about something.  Needless to say, it was a stark contrast.

There was also Joe.  Joe...lets put it this way, his office was such a disaster that I was mortified when I had to use it to meet with clients.  He never seemed bothered by the plethora of dust bunnies, or the complete disarray of...everything.   

Eventually Lena left and there was a new attorney who we'll call Mandy.  Mandy took neatness to a whole new level.  Keep in mind that Tom, the guy whose couch was rarely visible, ran the office. When Mandy came on board, she would take Friday's to organize the file rooms, organize the files, organize everything.  For the first time, there was order, and with it came peace.  It never once occurred to me that I could take it upon myself to organize these things. 

One day, I walked into Mandy's office while she was gone.  There was such a pervasive peacefulness, order and calm and I was struck by it.   I just stood there in her doorway for quite sometime in total awe of her office.  There was not a dust bunny, an out of place paper, or even an unnecessary file.  It inspired me. 

Everything needed its place.  Extra things had to go.  I cleaned.  I decluttered.  I picked Mandy's brain - how do you do it?  For Mandy it is second nature, for me, it was a whole new paradigm. 

It has now leaked into my personal life.  I just moved into a new apartment, and first I cleaned everything with the very same cleaning supplies I watched Lena use.  Everything is finding its spot (a concept I used to think was completely over the top). 

The thing is, that there has been MAJOR improvement.  My disdain of neat people is gone, and replaced with respect.  I've taken the time to learn, and am striving to apply principles that are new to me.  I used to think that a person was either a neat person, or they weren't, and that there was no shifting from however you were born.  As I used to tell Tom before I left working there, people can change. 

But, as I've noticed in times past when I've grown leaps and bounds, no one is here to appreciate the growth.  Few people here have known me well enough to know; I've grown.  A lot and the difference is...huge. 

The Unspoken

Tonight I visited with a friend who lives in an abusive relationship.  As we talked about many different things, it became clear that part of the problem was that most of the people she spends time with accept abuse in marital relationships as normal.

This would have seemed rediculous to me, except that not too long ago I had a case from Kenya.  My research for this case caused me to delve into the culture of Kenyans - and one aspect was the abuse.  I have a friend from Kenya who lives near my brother so I was able to ask her questions as I sought to gain a full perspective for my case.  She said that the most shocking thing to her was that her sister is in medical school and even among her male medical students, they were generally of the opinion that it was okay to beat their wives.  These are MEDICAL STUDENTS. 

But the roots of the problem, she touched on, go a little deeper.  Her father is a good man, and somehow managed to avoid these beliefs and practices.  And why?  Because he had no sisters.  In the Kenyan culture, like many others around the world, much of the work is placed on the women.  She told of how other children made fun of her father because he had to fetch the water.  But it taught him to work.  And it sounds like it kept him humble as well, and he grew to be a good man.

When I lived in Salt Lake I was a Sunday School teacher.  One day one of my students told me about a thing I believe was called The Hunger Group.  After a lesson I'd taught about charity, or service - I don't quite remember - she said she thought I'd really enjoy it.  And I did.  The group believed based on a UN study that world hunger could be eliminated by elevating the status of women in the world.  It was there that I learned, and began to internalize the importance of treating women as equals.  I'd always believed it, but here, it became crystal clear - poverty rates, infant mortality rates, general prosperity all increase as women are treated as equals and not second class citizens. 

The group fought ideas I'd never even heard of, such as - educating your daughter is like watering someone elses garden. The idea that you should feed your boys before your girls because the boys will be the bread winner. 

As I spoke to my friend, it seems that her friends and family have the persistent idea that if a little boy is angry - it is okay, because it is a boy.  And the boys are doted on.  Which made me think of this artcle I recently read: 

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304450004577277482565674646.html?mod=wsj_share_goog

So on my drive home from this time spent with my friends, it made me think - how would I raise a boy?  As I thought it over and thought about this article, I would want my son's to learn to serve.  I would hope to drive them to the service projects or to help someone mow their lawn.  My hope, of course would would be that he would become a good person, that the service would mature him, humble him, teach him consideration, and give him the drive to serve.Of course, there is no guarantee and right now it is just an untested idea.

As I thought about it further, it occurred to me that the Young Men's program in the church is designed to do this.  But more so, the priesthood is designed to do this.  At the age of 12, you pass the sacrament to the ward.  You go home teaching.  You are taught to give. 

Of course, going through the motions is no guarantee that the values will be internalized.  However, after studying and learning about two cultures where the abuse is built in and perpetuated, I think it is a good start, if nothing else.