The Sting of Disappointment

Earlier this week I was sitting in court waiting for my cases to be called and reading Team of Rivals.  It is about Abraham Lincoln and the other three men who were also ran for president in the 1860 election.  The saga I read as I waited was about how the insignificant Abraham Lincoln shockingly won the Republican nomination for president.  The book then talked about the reactions and feelings of great disappointment and hurt for each of the other three contenders, Chase, Bates, and Seward.  The empathetic side of me could strongly feel their pain.

(Edward Bates - 26th United States Attorney General)

As I walked home from court I pondered – was it worth it for them to have tried and lost?  Or would it have been better for them to have never tried, and never had to experience these terrible feelings of failure and disappointment?  I really couldn’t make up my mind as I tossed it round and round in my head.  On one hand, they had the chance to be P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T.  On the other hand, there was the intense hurt, embarrassment, wasted time in an endeavor that never came to fruition, bitterness, and yes, the disappointment of shattered dreams.

 (William Seward - 24th Secretary of State and ardent anti-slavery advocate.)

In favor of facing disappointment there were two things I kept coming back to.  The love of my high school and college years used to often say to me, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I never agreed with him.  I thought the pain of losing was too great.  It was better to never know what you didn’t have because the hurt would be less.  Nevertheless, I fell in love, and spent years knowing the great agony of losing someone you love so greatly.  I would often ask myself in the depths of the pain, was this worth it?  Sometimes the answer was no, but more often than not, the answer was yes.  He made me human.  He enriched my life.  In fact, he made my life, even years after his great presence was gone from it.  When I cried about it, as I so often did, I would think – this is what made me human. And I cherished it. Yes, even the pain.

 (Salmon P. Chase - 6th Chief Justice of the United States)

The strongest persuasion in this inner debate was this quote which has always greatly inspired me:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
~Teddy Roosevelt, April 23, 1910

  (Teddy Roosevelt - 26th President of the United States)

His quote really resonates with me.  I’ve never wanted to be one of those “cold timid souls” who knows neither victory nor defeat.  The quote has always made me want to jump in, and try despite everything.  Were Seward, Bates and Chase somehow better off for trying?

I couldn’t decide.  On the other hand the disappointment they felt was for the rest of their lives.  They felt let down, and betrayed by their friends.  The pain was deep and real.  In some ways they carried that pain to their graves. I don’t want to belittle that pain.  It is real, and it hurts.  And I don’t want to belittle the experience of my pain in having loved and lost either.  I lived through all the stages of grief.  There was great numbness when I couldn’t feel anything.  There were times when I would cry every morning for months because it hurt so badly.  There were years, when I’d be driving down the highway and unexpectedly start crying because I still missed him so much that my subconscious would resurface the pain when my conscious didn’t realize its guard was down.

These emotions are real and poignant and they affect us physically.

In light of the backdrop of this inner debate I went on a date last week with a guy who took me dancing.  He wasn’t someone that caught my eye prior to going.  But on the dance floor he was amazing.  We danced all night.  It took me four days to walk or laugh without being sore, which was amazing to me because I generally run five miles a day.  I had so, SO much fun.  During the night, the live band kept announcing that they were playing again the following week.  And he kept saying he’d like to come back for that.  When he left to return home, I told him he was welcome back.  But he never came back.  He never called.  He never communicated that he wasn’t coming.  And the truth of the matter is I was really disappointed. 

I wanted to go dancing with him again.

It turns out another friend invited me this week to go to the same dance floor, with the same band, so I still got to go.  But not a single guy there could dance as well as him.  The guys with us were even worse.  It just wasn’t the same.  Last night, I dreamed that he sent me a card, unexpectedly went out of town and I didn’t get the card until the day after.  The explanation made me feel so much better, and then I woke up to my renewed feelings of disappointment. 

I’ve also been interested in a guy who just isn’t interested in me.  But he seemed to represent all that I’ve wanted to find in a guy.  But last night was stake conference, the night session.  He wasn’t there.  My guy would have been there.  I am disappointed that he doesn’t represent all that I’ve wanted any more.  The crush is shattered.

In the mornings I feel things so much more deeply.  I feel disappointed and it has all come to a head – the book, the debate, the date, the crush. 

I think I choose to go along with Teddy. 

The fact of the matter is that there is a very shiny side to disappointment.  There was an amazing love.  And even though it is gone, it did make me human.  He did love me and I did love him.  I met his wife last year.  She pulled me aside and told me how close I am to his heart.  How he kept all of my letters.  How he respects me so very much.  The fact of the matter is, the love is part of both of us, and always will be even though our life paths were never destined to intertwine permanently.  The truth of the matter is, I had a great time dancing last week.  I really did.  I’m disappointed because I did enjoy it so much.  Nothing will likely ever come of my crush – but you know what - he has still made new acquaintances, found a new place to live, and generally been noticed in a place that otherwise might have simply ignored him – because I noticed, and I cared.  I wouldn’t have even known who Seward, Bates and Chase were had they never run for office.  And you know what - even though they didn’t win, I have still been inspired and uplifted by the people that they were.  They were all fine, honorable people who I would have been honored to know.  Their lives, the way they each fought slavery, and their dedicated service to the Union have blessed my life.

Without caring, there would be no disappointment.  I chose, although somewhat trepidatiously, to care.  And I’ll take the disappointment that comes with it.

I Was a Stranger and Ye Took Me In

I LOVE, LoVE, love hosting people.  I live alone; I love the company.  I love getting to know  people.  So when my friend Alicia e-mailed me to see if I would let someone come stay at my house while she had a job interview in St. Louis, I was really happy to do it.

I didn't know who I would meet, but Lonnie would grace my life for the next four days.  She was a lovable woman.  We would chat well into the night most nights.  But again, I find the same phenomenon.  I always end up getting more than I give.  So my first blessing was company.  I had someone to eat breakfast and dinner with.  Someone who looked forward to my arrival home.  Someone with whom I can talk about my day and who enjoyed sharing an ever so brief segment of our lives.

All I offered was a place to stay.  The lodgings weren't fantastic because all I have to offer is a hide-a-bed for her to sleep on.  It isn't terribly comfortable I'm sure, but I don't have a spare bedroom or a spare bed. 

What I got back: 

• I told her I had plenty of food, but she insisted on buying me dinner on Thursday and Friday.  I also had plenty of food for breakfast, which I told her, but she bought breakfast and left most of it here. 
• Thanks to Lonnie I was able to go to a concert with a friend of mine that I wouldn't have been able to attend without her.  We all went to dinner, we ended up getting into the concert for free, and then we went to a party where we were graced with fresh fruit and homemade fudge to take home. 
• She bought me candles for my dining room, stocked me up on toilet paper, and bought the vegetable for our Sunday dinner. 
• While we were out shopping for these items, we ran into an old client of mine.  I had really worked hard to help this client while I had her case.  I gave my old client a hug and she turned to Lonnie and said - "This is a really good person, I mean a really good person."  Naturally, this compliment warmed me. 

But most of all, Lonnie is a woman with lots of faith and she shared that with me while she was here.  There are points in all of our walks through life where we are exerting a tremendous level of faith.  It is right after we have followed guidance, but before we have not yet received the realization of the faith.  That is where Lonnie is at.  I think at times this is when we burn the brightest.  We are unsure of ourselves, and living on hope until the faith is realized.  I wish Lonnie all the best and hope to see her back here soon. 

I read a book once that has greatly impacted my life, Who Really Cares by Arthur C. Brooks.  It is all about giving.  The lesson secured in my head by the end of the book was that by giving, we become more giving.  It is a cycle.  And that by giving, we become better people and more likely to give.  My birthday goal of giving is now teaching my heart that lesson. 

Today I was thinking, you really don't realize the blessings of giving, how real and amazing they are until you do it.  When you do it, that realization really sinks in and motivates you to give more. I can only hope for more opportunities to give.  Last week I had no idea who Lonnie was, this week my life is greatly blessed by opening up my home to her. 

The opportunities to fulfill the Lord's expectations also come more rapidly.  We are asked to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, comfort those who stand in need of comfort.  While Lonnie was here I got a text from a friend at 4 something in the morning asking me to come over.  She was having a particularly hard time and just needed someone to be there as she dealt with an incredible level of pain and anguish.  She apologized, but I was so glad I happen to be up and honored that she felt comfortable asking me.

Oh, I also gave a co-worker a card for his birthday and passed on a chocolate Santa that had been given to me.  When I got to my desk on Friday there was a Christmas card waiting for me from my co-workers.  One of my co-workers checked out my car (which was having problems) on Saturday and took the tires off and worked on diagnosing the problem for me. He is a consistently awesome co-worker, but he goes above and beyond. He had spent the other portion of his morning helping our other co-worker house hunt.  I love the guys I work with. 

Now I have 967 little kindnesses to go before next September!

Twarted

 

When I was in school, my brother Vince would often call and ask me how I was doing.  I would chatter away about what was going on in my life.  I soon learned that I almost had to be careful about how I answered his questions.  If I complained about my transmission not working, he'd ask how much it would cost to get it fixed.  The next day or two would find a check in the mail with the needed money.  It was an amazing example for me and I've hoped to emulate it. 

I have a friend who just had baby number four.  I asked her one day what the biggest adjustment was.  She said - all of the housework!!  The dishes pile up faster and the cleaning just seems like it is so much more. 

With my new goal of 1,000 kindnesses this year, I had thought that perhaps I could offer to help with her dishes.  This seemed like an easy way to chizzel away at my goal and fitting to her needs. 

She came over to my house a few nights ago for a design group we are both in and I suggested the idea.  Of course, she was not opposed.  So tonight I went and did her dishes. 

Of course, people feel this need to give back no matter how insistant I am that they don't need to.  She offered food - I had already eaten.  But then she offered me this lovely lamp.  It was collecting dust in her basement and it would go well with the decore in my living room.  Isn't it so cute?  I love it. 

Also, my friend Mike dropped off some scrumptious dinner at my doorstep tonight. 

And so you see, I am twarted yet again.  Two kindnesses accepted today for one given.  I try, I try - but I can't seem to beat it.

In other random acts of kindness, I did do my co-worker's dishes at work.  I still have a lot more to do!!

A few more things....

26 - Did the dishes at my brother's house and helped clean.  They were all sick :(

27 - Pass through good thing.  A friend gave me chocolate; I gave it to my sister-in-law.

28 - I'm going to be donating my old car to the Salvation Army.

I think this project is going to take more than a year. 

Such a Beautiful Day...

Some days you finish with such a glow.  Such has been today.

Slept in.  I watched the Lincoln movie last night.  A good date, with a kind and thoughtful guy.  I love those kind of guys and dates.

At church, listened to great and inspiring talks.  Listened to great lessons.  But mostly, just took in how great the people around me are and was filled with such a sense of appreciation and love for them.

Went visiting teaching with my awesome visiting teaching companion, and friend, Katie.  Was visit taught by my awesome visiting teachers.  Went with one of my visiting teachers to a Thanksgiving dinner.  We took a girl with us who is virtually homeless.  I love my visiting teachers.  Lana lives life with an amazing sense of originality and authenticity that I just LOVE.  Rebecca is shy and sweet.  I'm enjoying getting to know her.

Came back, and dad called and kept the conversation going for over an hour.  Dad never calls.  Dad hates talking on the phone.  Dad's sweet, shy nature is something I love so much.  His sweet words linger with me.   

Came home, planned my day for tomorrow.  Dug through my closet to find 'The Little Prince' to share with one of my running buddies.  I will drop it off on her doorstep tomorrow.  She will still be too sick to run.  But she will love the book, and so will her kids.  The sweet feeling in my apartment gained throughout the day is almost tangible. 

Sweet dreams to come. 

It's the little things...

 My projects for the night were working on a letter to help a friend with some injustice she is dealing with.  Still drafting that up so it doesn't count yet, but I do LOVE that by becoming a lawyer I can fight unfair things and I have some authority to do so.  It is so much better than just getting mad about it and wishing the world were a more fair place.  Don't mess with my friends.

Then spent the rest of my time working on good works number 24 & 25.

24 - Helping a friend with a traffic ticket for free

25 - sending a thank you card to someone

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I gave away 6 meals last week and one salad this week, spoke at the law school, gave a girl I'd never met before a ride to and from the airport and invited her to stay at my house while she was here for an interview.  I think that puts me at 23 little acts of kindness so far.  A shameful number if you consider the goal is 1,000 and I've been at it for a month and a half!! 

The problem is that I think I'm still running a deficit on good deeds.  My car gave out while I was driving home from work on Friday.  My co-worker, my landlord, and my neighbor came to help.  I am also grateful to the random guy who helped push the car, which is more than all the other angry, honking people offered to do - which makes me appreciate him all the more (thank you angry, honking people for giving me a contrast).  Other neighbors and friends have been offering to give me rides (which I soooo appreciate).  One friend professionally cleaned my couch (most appreciated because I was sneezing really badly with the unclean couch).  In addition, I received at least three meals this week (all much tastier than the ones I gave), a bottle of water, and eight rides.  Two friends gave me ideas of where I can look to find a car.  Two friends helped me find a mechanic. It may seem like I have all I need, but my car still needs fixing and I need to buy a new car pronto. 

Life is a game of give and take I suppose.  As for the saying "No good deed goes unpunished".  I really hate that saying.  Good deeds come back double fold.  For example, I offered to work alone two Saturdays ago so my other co-worker could make it to a rugby game.  Quite frankly he is a pleasure to work with, always thinking about everyone else, always funny and fun to work with, and a hard worker.  Everybody LOVES working with him.  He deserved to do something he really wanted to do.  The next week he decided I should have the week-end off and then helped me move a couch that I'd been trying to move for weeks - free of charge.  Then, another friend I had met up with for lunch offered to help us move the couch.   

You see, if giving were a game and we could only win if we gave more - I think we'd all lose.  At least, I know I am!!