Dating: Never Married vs. Divorced After a Certain Age

I write this after getting a call from my boyfriend this morning to tell me he is going to Australia and that he is leaving in an hour. I'm happy for him although a little shocked just because despite talking fairly regularly on the phone, he never mentioned this well-formulated plan. It was an impulse buy, he says...except that it wasn't really. He's been checking out prices for weeks. I thought it was odd that I knew he had a week free the beginning of January and never mentioned coming to visit. I'm not hurt that he's going - even though I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving. It's more that he never mentioned it.

Today he's been busy announcing his trip on Facebook, yet he is always careful to never to mention me on Facebook, to his family, and to any friends who aren't in his super tight inner circle. He's quite affectionate if we are alone, but not at all if his friends are around. This may seem strange, but actually this is par for the course for his type of guy - i.e. normal, likable, never-married 37 year old - soon to be 38 year old. I knew that going into it.

I write this blog entry because, for whatever reason, I can't sleep tonight and so I have time to think and write about these things.

When I was in my late teens and early 20's, guys kind of drove me a little nuts with how much time they needed. In high school I swear I was the center of my boyfriend's universe. Our daily conversations were - Me: Hey, what are you up to? Him: Just waiting to hang out with you. It drove me crazy that he had little to no life outside of me. He had no goals besides me. He was always bored without me there. Arg. You can't be that interesting if you all you think about and care about is me! - thought my high school self. I did love how adoring he was; it just lacked substance.

In college, I found that when I started dating someone and suddenly he was at my house EVERY DAY. I had things to do, classes to prepare for. Then post college, I had more time - but oh my goodness, when I was in relief society presidencies I had girls to take care of, and I couldn't do that sitting there chatting with the guys. Sometimes I wished they would give me a little more space to take care of people.

Then, one fine day, I started getting asked out by a super adorable guy who was 27 - the oldest guy I'd dated by that time in life. He was a game changer. He was there, but not there. I had never been dating a guy who wasn't there before (i.e. emotionally unavailable). It was odd. He'd ask me out consistently, but never work towards establishing a relationship. He was playing the game, but not really playing at all. It was so maddening. Finally, another guy figured out that he wasn't there, and we ended up dating instead.

I come back to this guy because he represents a 'trend'. Now this 'trend' isn't evident in all guys 27 and older. Just some. Exclusions include guys who like girls but just can't get their game on - too shy to ask girls out, whatever; guys who live in really isolated places so there aren't many options; guys who really try but face a lot of rejection for reasons obvious to the ladies and everyone else, but not to them; guys who don't care all that much about being in relationships; guys who don't like ladies and guys who are anti-relationship.

So as you get older, the guys like high school boyfriends, college boyfriends, post-college boyfriends slowly disappear, and more and more of these not really there guys start showing up.  It is so odd at first, but then you slowly get used to it. This happens for a while, until one day, divorcees start joining your dating pool.

Now divorcees come with a great deal of stigma. They have baggage. They must be crazy/selfish/impossible to live with. Stay away! But here is the thing, they are also game changers....because they are part of the pool of guys who used to think their lady was the center of their universe, or they were the guys who would show up at your house EVERY DAY, or they were the guys who were always trying to get your attention when you had other things to do. In short, they were there. But unlike the pool of non-exclusionary guys left by your late 20's/early 30's - A - they were really interested in having relationships and B - most importantly - they were both willing and able to be vulnerable. Something that by this time, you haven't seen in a very long time. The first time my divorced boyfriend said he missed me, that he'd looked up ticket prices and hoped that I'd come visit - it was a shocking breath of fresh air. I bought the tickets and was there the next weekend. I mean, who admits that they miss someone less than a week into the relationship? Not guys who fit the 'trend'.

But we aren't done yet. If you keep dating, yet another pattern starts appearing. This is the over 40, never-married group. They get their own group because they are a breed of their own. They are the proud doctorates of the guys who continue to be the 'trend'. No matter how great he sounds, if it is a choice between Mr. No Baggage and Mr. Baggage, consider the divorcee unless you are already hopelessly in love, you have direct inspiration to date Mr. No Baggage, you have nothing to lose and/or you like being miserable. They are probably the most emotionally impervious group of people out there. They don't talk like they are, but once you start dating them - there it is.

So, here is my little plug for divorced guys. If you are over 30 and you like dating guys who will make you the center of their universe, show up every day, openly admit to others that he is dating you, don't write him off quite so quickly. I'm not saying every divorced guy is worth a serious pause, I'm just saying - think about it for more than a hot second. There are, and will always likely be plenty of exclusionary guys - and they deserve a plug for consideration too, but the 'trend' guys tend to get more emotionally odd as time goes on. If you are up for the emotional challenge of dating one - go for it, just know that you will likely find yourself up late at night pondering your dating situation while he is, not all that surprisingly, in Australia.

A Little Change of Plans

This afternoon I got a text from the Relief Society president. A person I visit teach needs some coats, can I take her to Good Will to get some? My first reaction is resistance. Of course the answer is yes, but in order to do this, I need to cancel or decline the plans I already have for tonight. Can't these needs be planned? But priorities, right? I cancel my plans and head out after work. Dinner can wait. Good Will is only open till 8.

Conversation is a little tough once I pick her up. It is all me asking questions - trying awkwardly to connect. As we talk I realize how hard things have been. Health problems. Husband is out of work. They don't even have coats.

We go to Good Will. We scour large bins full of disorganized clothing.

Last time I got rid of clothes I threw them all away. It was too much work to donate them - and who actually uses them anyway? Who would want what I have? These weren't justifications, they were honest beliefs.

Well here I am, on the other end of it. Every new bin of clothing brought up is devoured by the crowd. I swear to myself I will donate everything in the future. Someone might need that coat. I realize I have old coats sitting in my closet. I could give her those.

She is looking for coats with hoods because her family has no hats, scarves or gloves. I'm not sure I've ever known anyone who didn't.

After helping her bring the load of coats to her door, I drive home with the radio off to process these events. You know, I really do love helping. I could have spent my night pursuing my plans, but I got to think about someone else and it was humbling. I need the reminders that people out there exist who really do need so that I can be mindful of them and aware of the service that they need.

I think this little change of plans made the world a slightly better place tonight.

The more you give, the more you give. This is why.

Stud of the Month - May 2015

 

I was sitting in church one fine Sunday when I got this text:

In the past there was another person who tried to become an SOTM, but something stubborn in me was bothered by that. Here when I stopped to think about it, Ben already has stud of the month status I had just never thought of it before. My reaction to the #studofthemonththings text was - totally.

One of the things that has always really mattered to me in life is friendship. I've never liked the idea that a friend is just someone to hang out with because it is convenient, or fills a need. I always strongly preferred the idea that friends would grow into people you genuinely love and that there is a loyalty and commitment behind that friendship. You would be there for them in the hard times, and stick up for them even if everyone else walked. I've always been surprised that everyone doesn't feel this way about friendship.

Ben is totally that kind of person. I first realized this when one of his friends had irritated me and I was not impressed. One of my less awesome qualities is a total lack of tact, so in true character, I vocalized my feelings to Ben. Ben was completely loyal to this friend and always is. In response, he'll always point out why he is friends with this person and what he likes about them. He even manages to stick up for his friend in a way that recognizes his friend's shortcomings, but still explicitly acknowledges that he does, and always will love this friend. I've known people who get that fake kind of I'm-better-than-you-because-I-don't-judge-and-you-do thing about them in situations like this, but Ben doesn't. He sticks up for people because he really does care about them. He's not judging, he just says it like he genuinely sees it. He's that kind of friend.

The second thing is his inclusiveness. I feel like I have boundaries in who I choose as friends, but Ben seems to be more open. We were in the same law school class, but he became friends with a lot more people than I did and keeps pretty close ties with most of them partly because I think he is just more open to accepting and loving people for who they are.

I was most impressed by this when I went to his wife's baby shower. It was filled with friends or significant others of people from our law school class as well as friends from church. I had been in both of those worlds, but he did a better job of building and maintaining these friendships. I left that event quite genuinely impressed by this and I find it something to aspire to.

So, partly because of his campaigning, and partially because he really is that awesome, Ben Hegvic is May 2015 Stud of the Month.

 

 

Studette of the Month - March 2015

It was my first time living alone. After 7 months, I was at my wits end. I HATED everything about the experience, with the exception of the fact that my apartment was constantly spotless. I missed having someone to chat with at night. I missed having someone to bump into in the morning. I've always loved the way roommates naturally become your best friend just by virtue of exposure.

It was heart-breakingly lonely to be living alone for me. It might be easier on someone who doesn't enjoy the sociality of a home life, or people who thrive on TV or hobbies. I do neither.

I had one of those moments where I just couldn't handle it any more and offered a very sincere prayer for a new roommate. With in the week I had a phone call from a girl I'd never met before who was looking for a place to live. She seemed to campaign hard to move in. I readily accepted and then realized I should probably meet her first. When she came to meet me, I became a little worried. Her life story was a little...sketchy. I spent that night having night mares of things going terribly wrong on the home front and berating myself for accepting this new living companion without getting to know her better. But the deal had been made, so she moved in.

I liked her from the start. We both love French. Her father served a French-speaking mission. She was highly creative, and clearly talented. She was very honest - a trait I love. She loves having people over as much as I do. She really likes people, just like I do.

 

For the first few months there was friction in the sense that we are both rather opinionated and often our chatting resulted in arguments. But then there was the time that I looked up everything she was arguing and texted her a list of cites proving she was wrong. I knew it was a jerk thing to do, but she didn't punch back. She said she stood corrected, and that melted my heart just a little. I love it when people are nice when I'm a jerk. I just absolutely respect their bigness.

Then there was the time she came home and almost gave her last dollar to the people she met at the gas station who were living out of their car. I talked her out of giving her money, but she just looked at me and said - if you met them, you would see how much they needed it. She just has a natural sense of compassion that I really love. I've seen her buy a new bed so she could give her old one away to a friend. I've literally seen her give her car away to a friend in need. She used to cook me breakfast in the morning. All winter she's always left the heater on in the bathroom for me. She just has a really huge heart and kindness is a very natural thing for her.

I could go on and on.

I have a friend who is always wondering how the two of us get along - as in she seems doubtful that we could. But we get along quite well, and I feel privileged to have her for a roommate. This month we've been roommates for TWO YEARS!! That's so crazy.

Sometimes you take your chances, and it turns out to be one of the best things you ever could have done.

2014 Year End Review

What do you do on a sleepless night? Catch up on your blog. That is, after you've given up all hope of falling asleep. Here, my blog followers, is 2014 in a nutshell.

January:

New Year's Eve was spent with these guys.

These were the number of states lived in, visited, and left.

By the end of the year every continental state was colored in!

My domestic bliss has been fairly steady. These two are amazing piano players and cooks. I'd often come home to these two hanging out, playing amazing music, and cooking great food. I really love these guys so much. Audra and I have been roommates for a year as of February.

I was young women's president which meant that once a month our ward planned an activity. This was our proudest one. It was all analogous of the plan of salvation. They had a plane crash, complete with peanuts. Games. It rocked. We set ourselves up for high expectations after that which I can't say we quite met.

This is one of the annual highlights of my year, when Suz comes into town to visit. I LOVE these girls.

There is something nostalgic to me about the courthouse. You can't see it in the photo, but if you look through the window, the arch is perfectly framed. I just love this view. I had a phone interview for Kansas City on the day I had this interview. I wasn't ready to leave this city yet!

I went to a few trampoline classes. So. Much. Fun.

Met my roommate's family in Kansas City. Caught this view leaving my roommate's sister's church.

February:



My friend, Joana came to visit me in St. Louis. We visited a sculpture park. I've always wanted a picture with this eye ball.

I spent my Valentine's day in Kansas City at a dance. Met some cool people.



Domestic bliss continued in February.

I finally got to go to the chess museum. Since I was there, got my picture next to the world's largest chess piece. Why not.

Our young women's crew.

At work, Charlie stuck this on my file bin. You know you work with guys when....

For young women's, I went to a black history performance.

I have to say, it made me SUPER mad at all of the oppression in this country.

You just don't get these kinds of experiences in New Hampshire.

This was the lovely lady I went to support.

Made some new friends.

Did a service project.

Went to a hockey game.

Spring was lovely.

Visited this place for the first time.

This picture does NO JUSTICE to our great surprise. Blood moon!!

Young women's activity our ward planned.

Another play to support our young woman!

Star wars night at the science center.

Roommate Love





 

Today I randomly discovered this little note.  It must have been written 10 years ago back when we were roommates.  Since then she got married in Vegas, had two children, and most days is hanging on to dear life due to an insane amount of health problems.  The man she was madly in love with at the time we were roommates has turned out to be an amazing husband.  He was her non-committal boyfriend at the time whose drum set found itself a home in my house until further notice. (I say that  jokingly, I always thought he was a great guy.) But Katie saw in him something she was unwilling to let go of, and it paid off. 

This picture is of her the last time I saw her in person.  She always made time to see me when I was in Salt Lake visiting.  I really appreciated that. 

 

One of my favorite memories of Katie was the year I ran out to get a cake and candles to celebrate her birthday.  When she went to blow out the candles they all extinguished, and a few seconds later they reignited all by themselves.  She looked at me and said, "You bought trick candles didn't you! My family always buys trick candles."  I insisted that I hadn't.  Then I looked at the box.  The joke was on me; in my hurry I had accidentally bought trick candles. It made for a great birthday though.

Way to make me miss you Katie!

Birthday Goal

One lazy summer day after my sophomore year of college I had the day off.  My mother was babysitting a couple of children of a woman whose husband was dying of cancer.  The woman’s husband was nearing the end and he was fearful of dying while she was gone so he wouldn’t let her out of his sight.  Their supplies of food had slowly dwindled, but she couldn’t make it out to go shopping without upsetting her husband.  After hearing this, my mother gathered up food supplies from our house and when the children were returned, so was a collection of food for the family to live off of for the next little while. 

A few hours later my little sisters arrived home from school.  There had been some snacks in the house that they wanted.  When they sought them and couldn’t find them they demanded them of my mother, who simply responded that the snacks were gone.  ‘Where did they go?’ My mother simply said that she gave them to the lady.  My sisters were mad, but my mother just kept on about her business with no explanation of why they were gone at all.

It was then that I realized that my mother had quietly been doing things like this my entire life and I, like my sisters that day, had had no idea. 

In subsequent years, between close family friends and discussions with my brothers and sisters, we’ve put together probably only a few of the incidents like this.  Our friend, Diana, once posed the question, wouldn’t you want to model this kind of giving to your children rather than just staying silent about it? 

I suppose.  But my mother modeled giving as well, and the only way to model silent giving is to give silently.  Everyone’s dirty secrets come out eventually, but so do the good ones.  You can only hide so long from the truth.

When I lived in Salt Lake my old roommate, Rachel, my friend, Danny, and I had a garden.  All three of us were terrible at keeping up with the watering.  We’d notice it was nearly dead and run out and water it every few days.  One day, we noticed something different - turgor pressure!  But none of us had watered the garden.  Someone was sneaking into our back yard and watering our pathetic little garden for us.  But who was this person?  Rachel and I would often muse over this while we ate dinner. 

The funny thing was that we became suspicious of everyone, but in the opposite way you feel after someone has broken into your car.  You start thinking that amazing person could be this person, and you are just a little nicer to everyone and thinking a little better of everyone in case it was them.  It could be one of our other roommates – they were all pretty amazing people after all.  It could be a friend stopping by – we loved them too.  Turns out it was one of the kids at our next door neighbors’ house. Their 14-year-old son was watering our plants when Rachel caught him one day. 

This morning an acquaintance of mine posted the statement that if you give expecting to get something back, you will find yourself disappointed, because other people’s hearts aren’t as big as yours.  I left a long response.  From my 2012 goal to do 1,000 acts of kindness, I found that people give back so abundantly no matter how much you try to make it clear that this wasn’t what you were seeking from giving.  Ironically, as I was typing out my response to him, I got a text from someone who I had given brownies to that year, letting me know there were brownies on my doorstep waiting for me.  While I was walking to court this morning, I was remembering that with my 2012 goal, I had realized that by doing all of my co-worker’s dishes after I washed mine it was a super easy way to fit a few more kind acts in for the day.  Then it would inevitably happen.  I’d start to notice that if I left my dishes for more than a few hours they would get washed by the kind act of a co-worker. Giving contributes to the culture around you and if it isn’t already there, it usually starts creeping in.

 (Brownies found on my doorstep this morning.)

I was thinking about all of this, the idea of giving with the idea of getting back, giving selflessly versus unselfishly, and it just clicked what this year’s birthday goal will be -   giving secretly - just like mom and the boy next door.  Please note that I do recognize that even writing a blog post about it is terribly contradictory.  This year there will be no mention of what was done, or to whom, or how much, but next year I will write what I learned from it.  I am convinced that it will be an amazing experience.