The Glow

When I was in high school attending early morning seminary, I used to have this impression that I did not understand. The impression was that I was a child of the light. I had no idea what a child of the light was...it was just an impression that often came during early morning seminary. However, after a day of exposure to filthy language, watching drug deals go down in the hallways, and trying to avoid conversations full of sexual innuendos, I often felt like I was just weird for having that impression. It was not until my mission, I think, when I came across the phrase 'children of the light' in the Bible. I was excited to find it, and a little taken aback at the accuracy of this impression that I had never understood.

While in college, I had a particularly intense religion class. It was the only religion class I ever liked. We had three hours of reading per class. But when the reading was done, I often felt like I was glowing from the inside out. I often wondered if it was something people could see...or something I just silently felt.

It was not until years later while living in Salt Lake that I was confronted by my friend Cris. We were at an activity and he bluntly asked me why I wasn't married. Before I could answer he went on and on about how I had all of these great qualities "and you just glow!" he concluded. It is one of the few times in my life when I consciously remember feeling my face turn crimson. Between dealing with my own embarrassment and the shock of the first indication I'd ever had that the glow was something other people were aware of, I mumbled something that made no sense and tried to find an escape the awkward situation.

The glow is not always there, of course, it comes and goes in greater proportions. One of the times it was the strongest was during my Paris study abroad. I've never been so completely satisfied. I remember thinking that the Lord knows me down to my deepest desires. How amazing that He would grant those desires from time to time.

Probably the happiest moment of my life took place in Port Bou Italy. It is a tiny fishing village just over the border of France beyond Monaco. A few of us had decided to take a day trip there during our school break. My friends and I were skipping rocks on the Mediterranean. I was so filled with this happiness that I asked Nicola, our French TA, if he had ever felt completely happy. He said no. Something was always missing. Like here, Nicola was enjoying himself, but he missed his wife. He concluded by saying that he didn't believe that anyone could ever be completely happy. I wished I could tell him, but you can't tell people things they are not ready to believe. I was completely happy - down to the very core of who I was. It was a satisfaction that was not situationally dependent. It came from the inside out.

A few days prior to that, while basking in this silent glow, I had visited Monaco. Monaco is sort of like the Las Vegas of France. It attracts materialism on every inch of its soil. So there I was, this plain American girl wearing jeans, sneakers, and a fleece with my hair pulled back in a plain old pony-tail. I was a nobody in a sea of faces with nothing to be jealous of. But I was so happy, from the inside out. As I watched the lovely women with high heels and expensive fur coats go by, I couldn't help but think that in all of their array, what they were looking for, what every human being longs for is happiness. And I, the plainly dressed, 21-year-old who had never known great wealth or prestige had it. And all of the mink coats and expensive cars could not buy this.

On my mission, my last area was in Perpignan, France. I had an amazing companion. She was someone who had the glow more intensely and more naturally than I did. And I loved it. The glow is contagious. If you have it, you can spread it. If you are around people who have it, you can get it...if you don't get caught up in tearing them down. Anyway, she had it - strongly. Though we were constantly rejected and torn to shreds by the general public, we were so resilliantly happy. The intensity of the peaceful happiness was a fulfillment of what the deepest part of me had always believed was possible. Happiness, indeed, joy, is so real it is almost tangible.

There are days when I am intensely drained of energy that I realize that my normal self would be exceptionally obnoxious to me just then. There is nothing worse than moments of sadness to realize that there are people on this earth who are sincerely happy.

I guess what has gotten me thinking about the glow again lately is that last week it started coming back in greater force. I am never entirely sure what controls its ebbs and flows. But the other day I got up early, prayed sincerely, had an amazing scripture study, the Spirit was strong. I made it to the gym, read the paper, studied for the bar, did my homework, and was generally consumed with love for humanity and the desire for the well-being of others. I couldn't help but realize that the glow was back, and how great it feels.

I would guess that my next few blog entries will be more introspective than interesting or entertaining. That seems to be an effect of the glow. It creates a quiet contemplation and a deeper inner satisfaction. My life stills. My comprehension of everything seems to deepen and the feeling of bien etre (well being) permeates.