Roommate Love





 

Today I randomly discovered this little note.  It must have been written 10 years ago back when we were roommates.  Since then she got married in Vegas, had two children, and most days is hanging on to dear life due to an insane amount of health problems.  The man she was madly in love with at the time we were roommates has turned out to be an amazing husband.  He was her non-committal boyfriend at the time whose drum set found itself a home in my house until further notice. (I say that  jokingly, I always thought he was a great guy.) But Katie saw in him something she was unwilling to let go of, and it paid off. 

This picture is of her the last time I saw her in person.  She always made time to see me when I was in Salt Lake visiting.  I really appreciated that. 

 

One of my favorite memories of Katie was the year I ran out to get a cake and candles to celebrate her birthday.  When she went to blow out the candles they all extinguished, and a few seconds later they reignited all by themselves.  She looked at me and said, "You bought trick candles didn't you! My family always buys trick candles."  I insisted that I hadn't.  Then I looked at the box.  The joke was on me; in my hurry I had accidentally bought trick candles. It made for a great birthday though.

Way to make me miss you Katie!

Birthday Goal

One lazy summer day after my sophomore year of college I had the day off.  My mother was babysitting a couple of children of a woman whose husband was dying of cancer.  The woman’s husband was nearing the end and he was fearful of dying while she was gone so he wouldn’t let her out of his sight.  Their supplies of food had slowly dwindled, but she couldn’t make it out to go shopping without upsetting her husband.  After hearing this, my mother gathered up food supplies from our house and when the children were returned, so was a collection of food for the family to live off of for the next little while. 

A few hours later my little sisters arrived home from school.  There had been some snacks in the house that they wanted.  When they sought them and couldn’t find them they demanded them of my mother, who simply responded that the snacks were gone.  ‘Where did they go?’ My mother simply said that she gave them to the lady.  My sisters were mad, but my mother just kept on about her business with no explanation of why they were gone at all.

It was then that I realized that my mother had quietly been doing things like this my entire life and I, like my sisters that day, had had no idea. 

In subsequent years, between close family friends and discussions with my brothers and sisters, we’ve put together probably only a few of the incidents like this.  Our friend, Diana, once posed the question, wouldn’t you want to model this kind of giving to your children rather than just staying silent about it? 

I suppose.  But my mother modeled giving as well, and the only way to model silent giving is to give silently.  Everyone’s dirty secrets come out eventually, but so do the good ones.  You can only hide so long from the truth.

When I lived in Salt Lake my old roommate, Rachel, my friend, Danny, and I had a garden.  All three of us were terrible at keeping up with the watering.  We’d notice it was nearly dead and run out and water it every few days.  One day, we noticed something different - turgor pressure!  But none of us had watered the garden.  Someone was sneaking into our back yard and watering our pathetic little garden for us.  But who was this person?  Rachel and I would often muse over this while we ate dinner. 

The funny thing was that we became suspicious of everyone, but in the opposite way you feel after someone has broken into your car.  You start thinking that amazing person could be this person, and you are just a little nicer to everyone and thinking a little better of everyone in case it was them.  It could be one of our other roommates – they were all pretty amazing people after all.  It could be a friend stopping by – we loved them too.  Turns out it was one of the kids at our next door neighbors’ house. Their 14-year-old son was watering our plants when Rachel caught him one day. 

This morning an acquaintance of mine posted the statement that if you give expecting to get something back, you will find yourself disappointed, because other people’s hearts aren’t as big as yours.  I left a long response.  From my 2012 goal to do 1,000 acts of kindness, I found that people give back so abundantly no matter how much you try to make it clear that this wasn’t what you were seeking from giving.  Ironically, as I was typing out my response to him, I got a text from someone who I had given brownies to that year, letting me know there were brownies on my doorstep waiting for me.  While I was walking to court this morning, I was remembering that with my 2012 goal, I had realized that by doing all of my co-worker’s dishes after I washed mine it was a super easy way to fit a few more kind acts in for the day.  Then it would inevitably happen.  I’d start to notice that if I left my dishes for more than a few hours they would get washed by the kind act of a co-worker. Giving contributes to the culture around you and if it isn’t already there, it usually starts creeping in.

 (Brownies found on my doorstep this morning.)

I was thinking about all of this, the idea of giving with the idea of getting back, giving selflessly versus unselfishly, and it just clicked what this year’s birthday goal will be -   giving secretly - just like mom and the boy next door.  Please note that I do recognize that even writing a blog post about it is terribly contradictory.  This year there will be no mention of what was done, or to whom, or how much, but next year I will write what I learned from it.  I am convinced that it will be an amazing experience.  

Studette of the Month: September 2014

This morning I rushed out of the house dressed in a black pencil skirt, black heels, and a black shirt.

I was thinking of her just the day before I heard that she had passed away.  I had thought of her comment so many years ago about how she had learned not to pray for charity because some outlandish thing would always happen that would leave her regretting it.  I had thought that was a funny thing to say.  But what I appreciated about it, was her honesty.

Today I found myself five minutes late to her funeral, trying to slink inconspicuously into the very back row.  As I sat there looking at the crowd of people, there were so many familiar faces. 

She had been in the Stake Relief Society when I was relief society president in the singles branch in 2007.  The legacy she leaves with me was taught during a ward conference all those years ago.  The stake leaders had come to a meeting with us before church.  As usual, I was late and disheveled.  When it came her time to teach, she pointed out that being late was rude, and why it was rude.  As we continued with the meeting, my second counselor was young, only 19.  I had picked her thinking that since she wasn't leaving for college and didn't really have a job, that she would have lots of time to devote to the calling.  As any green leader learns, this is not a good idea.  Every meeting I had, it seemed she dropped the ball.  I didn't know what to do about it. 

This meeting was no different.  My counselor had planned a meeting with her committee and she reported that it had fallen through.  Mona looked directly at me and said, 'This is a teaching moment, and I am going to teach you how you handle this.'  She looked at my counselor, and rather than just accepting that nothing had happened, she asked follow up questions.  'Why didn't the meeting happen?'  No one showed up at the meeting scheduled for after institute.  'Why didn't anyone show up?'  As she dug deeper and deeper, she helped my counselor break down the problem and find where she was failing to be a leader.  Mona taught her with a directness I've almost never seen before or since.  Mona then  committed her to do it differently next time and to report next week. 

Her teaching was so direct, it was almost hard to take, but it was perfect, and most importantly, it sunk in.  I've used the principle she taught that day in my leadership since.  Even more so, I've used it in my job nearly everyday with my clients.  It just isn't often that someone teaches you something that does actually change your life.  But Mona did.  I've thought about this teaching moment very often.

At the lunch after the funeral the old relief stake society president came and found me.  I told her how meaningful this experience had been for me, and she reminded me of how they had learned and taught us about the importance of keeping the onus where it needs to be when it comes to leadership. This is such an important life lesson, and it is a hard one to learn.

I had been in several presidencies before law school.  I knew before I got to law school that I would be relief society president at some point while in law school.  But of all the times in my life to have this responsibility, it came at the most busy time of my life.  I was right in the middle of law school and under tremendous pressure.  I had so little time, and so few emotional reserves with which to give.  I knew that the Lord was well aware of the timing of this calling.  I knew He knew what was on my plate, which I found most perplexing.  Why now when I had so little to give?

Mona's husband, Chuck, was the branch president at the time.  He is a very laid back man, and the perfect branch president at that time for me.  I always figured that being relief society president meant hours of service and visiting with people.  But this was not the case.  He often counseled me to let the visiting teachers do their jobs and that I was only a back up if it was too much for them.  When meetings were more than my schedule allowed, he counseled me not to go.  He taught me not to step forward when I expected I would be asked to be at the forefront of serving.  When my natural inclination would have driven me to serve myself, he wisely counseled me to let others do the job. 

It was an unexpected education, but it was an amazing education about serving the Lord in the Lord's way.  It was hard to shelf my empathy and let the people who were in place to serve, serve, but it was the entire purpose of the timing of that calling I believe.

As I came up to Chuck in the reception line after the funeral he extended me a huge hug.  I haven't seen him in many years.  But the bond from serving together is still there.  He'll be in my prayers for  a long time; I know too well how deep his pain will be. 

I'm grateful for the work Mona did while she was here, it has made a permanent impact on my life.  May she rest in peace.

My Heaven

 

When I arrived in New Hampshire, ironically, I had not a single immediate relative in the state.  Ginette's flight never made it.  Diana Fontaine kindly picked me up from the airport. 

Much to my surprise, she has been living in my parent's basement for the last few months. 

I should call home more often!

We talked until 3 am.

 

I was up by 7:30 the next morning waiting for my sister, Colette, to come pick me up. 

You can tell I've been living in St. Louis for a while because I was relishing in the weather. 

It was 99 degrees in St. Louis at this time with a heat index of 106.

 

 

 

I loved the view of Dad's apple trees. 

They currently look like they are on steroids,

but dad says it is a year with a really poor harvest.

Really?

 



 

Dad's garden; I miss having a garden.

 

Squishy little nephew, Ben, eating one of dad's apples.

 

 

 I love absolutely love everything about this wharf.  It's always the beginning of good things.

 

 

Isn't she adorable!

 

 

Please don't hold the dirty ferry window against this lovely sight. 

Brant Point Lighthouse. 

One of my favorite places on earth. 

It is down the street from my great grandparents old house.

 

 

 

All of the cottages in Nantucket have names. 

Great Grandma and Grandpa lived in Auburn Cottage

which is one of these fuzzy houses.

 

 

Docking area.

 

 

All of the cottages have these grey shingles. 

That's why Nantucket is known as the Grey Lady.

 

 Ginette managed to get her airline to fly her directly into Nantucket. 

 

 

Ethan and Rosa are adopting this adorable little girl.

 

This child's great-great-great grandfather shot this alligator in Cuba.

This road to the cottage is paved with crushed shells.

Makes me so nostalgic every time.

 



 

Ethan and his boomerangs. 

 

 

My favorite place in all the world.

 

Me and my momma.

 



 

Me and my dad.  I definitely look more like him.

 

My mother's cousin, Matt, was on the island working on his sailboat. 

He took our entire clan out to dinner.

I need to send him a thank you card. 

Only a few weeks before, he and his wife took me out to dinner in St. Louis.

 

Aren't they an adorable family!

 

This is my great-grandmother as a child. 

 

 

Nephew Ben toddling around with goggles on.

 

Great Grandma as an adult, I think?

 

 

Ginette and I went running with Ben.

 



Squished picture of a great-great grandmother, I believe.

 



Squished picture of great-great grandfather.

 



 

Great Grandfather. 

He died shortly before I was born, but I've heard a lot about him.

Loved languages. 

Loved people. 

He would have been fun to know.

 

Great-great grandmother - center.  I do remember her quite well. 

Decked out in Nantucket garb.

 



 

 

 

 

 

Finally a picture of Cousin Matt! He lives in Georgia near Vince.

 

Mom at her birthday dinner.

 

Ginette and I laughed soooo hard over this photo. 

So glad mom doesn't read my blog.

One day I will make a slide show of these family photos.

I have so many great ones.

My dad's hands.  What is up with these white spots?

 



 

 Jasmine chasing a bunny.

 

 

Finally got some color on these pale legs.  Been looking forward to this all year.

 

This outside shower. 

I love it.

On a perfect day, with temperatures in the 70's.

It is heavenly.

 

Until the planes fly overhead.

Then it's awkward.

My gorgeous lady relatives waiting to head to church.

 



 

And guess who we ran into at church, but Lynn and her family!

 

I immediately texted this picture to her sister, Holly.

Lynn used to live in my parents' basement when she was 18.

When I was 18 I spent a Thanksgiving at her house in California with Holly.

I made a blanket that year that I still have and use often.

And her husband, who is a lawyer tried to talk me into being a lawyer.

I remember that conversation distinctly because he was trying to say that he didn't think he could do law school either.

I remember thinking that I really couldn't be a lawyer.  He was just one of those people who was disillusioned about his own intelligence.

Now I'm a lawyer.

Oh the irony.

 

We met in the dentist's unfinished basement.

The white haired man is the branch president.

He is a hotel manager at the hotel right next to my great-grandparents old house.

 

Church was only two hours long.

They flew in the high counselor.

The missionaries taught Sunday School.

 

This was my favorite cottage this year.

The cottage we stay at. Right next to my other great-grandparents' old house.

 



 

By Sunday afternoon it was just me and my parents left.

We went exploring where the blue dot is below.

 

I took this photo for my friend, Cara.  I love wooden boats in harbors.

 

Then we left, and guess who showed up on our ferry out?

 

Yup, the sister missionaries.

 

And Lynn!! 

I loved traveling home with them. 

Lynn told some amazing stories about how they found their new house. 

I love her family so, so much. 

What a tiny little world. 

 

 

When we got to the harbor on the mainland my great uncle David was waiting for us. 

I LOVE this guy.

When I was little, he and my aunt Janet were caught roller blading on the ship.

I thought that was so fun. 

He was in his 60's at the very least at the time.

I keep a pair of rollerblades in my car at all times thanks to his inspiration.

 

 

He has the world's heartiest laugh. 

He genuinely loves pretty much everybody.

He is in his 80's now and still keeps up with a million relatives and old friends.

He still rows and exercises.

He just makes life seem like it will be so much fun forever.