Book Review: Rising Strong (Brene Brown)

"It's so hard to be face down on the arena floor, but if you open your eyes when you're down there and take a minute to look around, you get a completely new perspective of the world. You see more struggle - more conflict and suffering. It can make you more compassionate if you open your eyes and look around while you're down there."

When Nikki dropped off this book for me to read, she sat down in my living room and we caught up on life. Her uncle had just died a few days before, and she described to me how she could hardly even drive back from Colorado when she heard the news because she was crying so hard. It felt like a piece of her was gone. When she got home, for the first time in her life she has absolutely no motivation to do ANYtHiNg. This was something she had never experienced before.

As I sat there listening to her I had tears streaming down my face. Just a few days before a guy I had really liked broke up with me - so my emotions were especially sensitive.  In hearing about her pain I could empathize on a level that I normally couldn't. It was like I could feel her pain. So when I read the bolded text above, it really rang true to me. When you are down, you can understand the struggle in others better. (It seems I read Brene Brown's books whenever I've just gone through a break up. I read Daring Greatly after my last break up.) Honestly though, I think that is the perfect time to read them because it gives you a sense of purpose as you lean into your pain and cope with it in a healthy way.

"Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us."

This book is about how to get up after you have chosen to be vulnerable and fallen down. 

"Choosing to be vulnerable involves risk, which means you have a likelihood of failure. Heartbreak and hurt is part of the process."

Here are my favorite quotes from the book:

"If we are going to put ourselves out there and love with our whole hearts, we're going to experience heartbreak." pg. xx

"The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop being hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect." Pg. 4

"But when we are defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you're not in the arena getting your [rear] kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback." Pg. 4

"Fortune may favor the bold, but so does failure." Pg. 4

"Courage transforms the emotional structure of our being." Pg. 5

"Creativity is the ultimate act of integration - it is how we fold our experiences into our being." 

 I LOVE this concept. Creativity is the process of integration.

"Humans are feeling machines that think."

"When you are on your path, 

the universe will conspire to help you."

"Experience and success don't give you easy passage through the middle space of struggle."

"Experience doesn't create even a single spark of love guy in the darkness of the middle space. It only stills in you a little bit of faith in your ability to navigate the dark."

The following quotes really made me think. I sometimes don't hold up my boundaries where I should, and I often think of it as a good thing. But my mother, who is one of the very finest people I know, holds her boundaries, and as I thought about it, all of the best and happiest people I know do. They aren't unkind, but they are kind to themselves too, and they hold their boundaries. She tells some great stories about how she processed and arrived at these truths.

"How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don't value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?"

"We don't judge people when we feel good about ourselves." P. 117 

"There is no integrity in blaming or turning to it's not fair and I deserve. I need to take responsibility for my own well-being."

"I'm not good enough and I'm better than you are two sides of the same coin. Both are attacks on our worthiness. We don't compare when we are feeling good about ourselves; we look for what's good in others. Self-righteousness is just the armor of self-loathing."

"As miserable as resentment, disappointment, and frustration make us feel, we fool ourselves into believing that they're easier than the vulnerability of a difficult conversation."

"What boundaries do I need to put in place so I can work from a place of integrity and extend the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words, and actions of others?"

"Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them."

"I am going to be generous in my assumptions and intentions while standing solidly in my integrity and being very clear about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable."

"Hold people accountable for their actions in a way that acknowledges their humanity."

"People learn how to treat us based on how they see us treating ourselves."

"If I don't put value on my work and my time, neither will the person I'm helping."

"Boundaries are a function of self respect and self love."

"Even on the rare occasion when living BIG leaves me feeling vulnerable, I'm still left standing squarely in my integrity."

"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." Anne Lamott

"As I lay in bed that night, my curiosity showed up, as it often does, as a prayer." 

P 161

I love this.

May you always do for others and let others do for you. 

Bob Dylan

"Wholehearted was is as much about receiving as it is about giving."

P 179

Trust - choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions. P. 198

Power - the ability to achieve our purpose and effect change. P. 201

"We are most dangerous to ourselves and the people around us when we feel powerless." Pg. 201

"Hope is a cognitive process!!!" Pg. 202

"Hope is a function of struggle."

"Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful."

"We can't compartmentalize our selves. We have to put our whole selves on the table, good, bad and ugly."

Nikki and I were discussing the book on our run this morning, and we agree. This book along with Daring Greatly should be on a must read list for everyone.

How to Accomplish Your Perennial New Year's Resolutions

My perennial new year's resolutions have been to learn piano and Spanish.

Today, in my usual anticlimactic way of finishing my major life accomplishments - 

I finally finished learning piano!! 

I quietly crossed it off of my life goals and ate dinner.

So how did I do it, and what made this time different?

(1) Pomodoro Technique - Pick a reward for yourself, and set a timer for 20 minutes, and work on your task for 20 minutes. I learned about this technique in a class I took a couple of years ago. It was taught as a method to overcome procrastination. As they said in the class, you can do anything for 20 minutes. They explained that choosing a treat for yourself activated the limbic portion of the brain and helped you stay motivated.

As I applied this technique, I found it to be really effective for me. Suddenly things that had been on my list of things to do forever were getting done when I committed myself to work on them for 20 minutes. There is something about not feeling like you have to do this dreaded task for a long time. Just 20 little minutes.

I started applying this to piano because I hated reading notes. It was so arduous! But I could subject myself to 20 minutes of torture and be done for the day. And it was torture for me - at first.

(2) Timing - I went running one morning and when I came home I decided to sit down at the piano for my 20 minutes. Oddly, I noticed that points in the songs that were normally very frustrating for me I could work through much more easily. This surprised me, but it was a great discovery. I learned that when I approach a task is important. There are times when I am better at working on a hard task than others. I am more sluggish when I am tired, and best after running.

(3) 20 hours - As I was ever so slowly progressing at piano, my brother sent me this TED talk. The speaker said that you could learn anything in 20 hours. This became my new target. This is important because goals are most effectively set when they are quantifiable. This 20 hour notion gave me something specific to work toward. At 20 hours, I would consider this goal accomplished.

(4) Tracking - I had read a lot of books about how successful people track things. So I started a note in my phone and started specifically tracking my practice.

This is my total log:

Piano - goal 20 hours - 1200 min, 60 sessions

9/14/15 - 20 min

9/17/15 - 20 min

9/19/15 - 10 min

9/22/15 - 20 min (1 hour 10 min)

9/25/2015 - 20 min (1.5 hours. 18.5 to go)

9/26/2015 - 20 min (1 h 50 m. 18 h 10 min to go)

9/30/2015 - 16 min (2 h 6 min. 17 h 56 min)

10/13/15 - 17 min. (2h 22 min)

10/15/15 - 16 min. (2 h 38 min)

10/20/2015 - 20 min. (2 h 58 min)

10/21/2015 - 22 min. (3 h 18 min)

10/29/2015 - 22 min (3 h 40 min) (16 h 20 min left)

11/4/15 - 20 min (4 hours) (16 hours left)

11/07/2015 - 20 min (4 h 20 m) (15 h 40 m left)

11/10/2015 - 20 minutes (4 h 40 m) (15 h 20 min left)

11/30/15 ish 40 min  (5 h 20 min) 14 h  40 min left

12/09/15 - 20 min (5 h 40 min) 14 h 20 min remaining.

1/3/16 - 20 min. 6 hours down. 14 to go.

1/4/16 - 20 min 6 h 20 min down 13 h 40 min to go

1/7/16 - 20 min 6 h 40 down, 13h 20 min to go

1/9/16 - 60 min 7 h 40 min down, 12 h 20 min to go

1/13/16 - 20 min. 8 hours down, 12 h remaining.

1/16/16 - 40 min 8 h 40 m done. 11 h 20 min to go

1/17/16 - 120 m. 11 h 40 m done. 8 h 20 min To go.

1/19/2016 - 20 min. 12 h done. 8 h to go.

1/20/16 - 40 min. 12h40m. 7h20m

1/21/16 - 20 min 13 h. 7 h to go.

1/24/16 - 40 min. 14h40m. 6h20m

1/25/16 - 80 min. 16h. 5h.

1/26/16 - 60m. 17h. 4h.

1/30/16 - 20m. 17h20m. 3h40m.

2/1/16 - 20m. 17h40m. 3h20m.

2/6/16 - 60m 18h40m 1h20m.

2/7/16 - 80 min. 20 h 0 min.

Goal Complete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(5) Method - My roommate keeps a three ring binder of music that she is working on, so I decided to do the same. I photocopied the 12 songs I wanted to learn. Eventually, I put them in order from easiest to hardest, When I got frustrated with the hard, I'd go back to the easy. When I was fresh back from running, or feeling more capable, I'd switch to the hard. 

Eventually, I started highlighting the challenging parts of the songs. When I would practice the song, I would work through the hard parts first, and then play the song through.

I accomplished something I never thought would be possible for me. Obviously, I'm no Mozart, but when push comes to shove, I can now read music. 

Now, when I am looking at a song I think - I can learn that. 

And it feels great.

Official 2015 Stats

Backstory of Year End Stat Tradition: Here 

Number of siblings: 4

Number of siblings married this year: 1

Number of married siblings: 4

Number of new nieces and nephews: 2

Number of new solutions given to get me married:  1

(For the curious:  boss's brother suggested that if marrying a Mormon doesn't work he could set me up with some Mennonites in Sweet Springs, Missouri. Probably my favorite dating suggestion ever.)

Number of proposed dating methods used:  0

Number of guys who I randomly found sleeping in my car: 1



Number of people who considered this an alternative dating method for meeting guys: 1 (not me)

Number of boys I went on a date with that I met on an airplane: 1

Number of proposals:  0

Number of fake engagements: 1

Number of real engagements: 0

Number of boyfriends:  2

Number of breakups: 1

Number of hair colors: 2



Number of new cars: 1 (sorry, I neglected to take a picture)

Total number of cars owned to date: 3

Number of old mission companions I had lunch with surrounded by wine bottles: 1



Number of friend's weddings attended: 1

Number of helicopter flights: 1

Number of Small Air Plane Flights: 1

Number of out-of-state road trips:  6



Number of out-of-state trips: 15

Number of times we took this photo: A billion











Number of countries memorized: 196

Number of the countries visited:  0

Number of states visited this year:  20

Number of different places I attended church:  17

Number of pretty amazing foot ball games attended: 1

Number of Cardinals games attended: 2

Number of Cardinals games at which we got TOTALLY drenched: 1

Number of hockey games attended:  1

Number of totally awesome birthdays: 1 

(Cassie made cake pops after I sent her a picture of a world cake. Check out the detail. You can even see the continents!)

Number of birthdays I almost ruined:  1

Number of times I wore my 4th of July pants:  1

Favorite city of 2015: San Francisco



Life Ambitions Fulfilled:  See the redwoods, Ruby Caves, and Alcatraz

Dating: Never Married vs. Divorced After a Certain Age

I write this after getting a call from my boyfriend this morning to tell me he is going to Australia and that he is leaving in an hour. I'm happy for him although a little shocked just because despite talking fairly regularly on the phone, he never mentioned this well-formulated plan. It was an impulse buy, he says...except that it wasn't really. He's been checking out prices for weeks. I thought it was odd that I knew he had a week free the beginning of January and never mentioned coming to visit. I'm not hurt that he's going - even though I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving. It's more that he never mentioned it.

Today he's been busy announcing his trip on Facebook, yet he is always careful to never to mention me on Facebook, to his family, and to any friends who aren't in his super tight inner circle. He's quite affectionate if we are alone, but not at all if his friends are around. This may seem strange, but actually this is par for the course for his type of guy - i.e. normal, likable, never-married 37 year old - soon to be 38 year old. I knew that going into it.

I write this blog entry because, for whatever reason, I can't sleep tonight and so I have time to think and write about these things.

When I was in my late teens and early 20's, guys kind of drove me a little nuts with how much time they needed. In high school I swear I was the center of my boyfriend's universe. Our daily conversations were - Me: Hey, what are you up to? Him: Just waiting to hang out with you. It drove me crazy that he had little to no life outside of me. He had no goals besides me. He was always bored without me there. Arg. You can't be that interesting if you all you think about and care about is me! - thought my high school self. I did love how adoring he was; it just lacked substance.

In college, I found that when I started dating someone and suddenly he was at my house EVERY DAY. I had things to do, classes to prepare for. Then post college, I had more time - but oh my goodness, when I was in relief society presidencies I had girls to take care of, and I couldn't do that sitting there chatting with the guys. Sometimes I wished they would give me a little more space to take care of people.

Then, one fine day, I started getting asked out by a super adorable guy who was 27 - the oldest guy I'd dated by that time in life. He was a game changer. He was there, but not there. I had never been dating a guy who wasn't there before (i.e. emotionally unavailable). It was odd. He'd ask me out consistently, but never work towards establishing a relationship. He was playing the game, but not really playing at all. It was so maddening. Finally, another guy figured out that he wasn't there, and we ended up dating instead.

I come back to this guy because he represents a 'trend'. Now this 'trend' isn't evident in all guys 27 and older. Just some. Exclusions include guys who like girls but just can't get their game on - too shy to ask girls out, whatever; guys who live in really isolated places so there aren't many options; guys who really try but face a lot of rejection for reasons obvious to the ladies and everyone else, but not to them; guys who don't care all that much about being in relationships; guys who don't like ladies and guys who are anti-relationship.

So as you get older, the guys like high school boyfriends, college boyfriends, post-college boyfriends slowly disappear, and more and more of these not really there guys start showing up.  It is so odd at first, but then you slowly get used to it. This happens for a while, until one day, divorcees start joining your dating pool.

Now divorcees come with a great deal of stigma. They have baggage. They must be crazy/selfish/impossible to live with. Stay away! But here is the thing, they are also game changers....because they are part of the pool of guys who used to think their lady was the center of their universe, or they were the guys who would show up at your house EVERY DAY, or they were the guys who were always trying to get your attention when you had other things to do. In short, they were there. But unlike the pool of non-exclusionary guys left by your late 20's/early 30's - A - they were really interested in having relationships and B - most importantly - they were both willing and able to be vulnerable. Something that by this time, you haven't seen in a very long time. The first time my divorced boyfriend said he missed me, that he'd looked up ticket prices and hoped that I'd come visit - it was a shocking breath of fresh air. I bought the tickets and was there the next weekend. I mean, who admits that they miss someone less than a week into the relationship? Not guys who fit the 'trend'.

But we aren't done yet. If you keep dating, yet another pattern starts appearing. This is the over 40, never-married group. They get their own group because they are a breed of their own. They are the proud doctorates of the guys who continue to be the 'trend'. No matter how great he sounds, if it is a choice between Mr. No Baggage and Mr. Baggage, consider the divorcee unless you are already hopelessly in love, you have direct inspiration to date Mr. No Baggage, you have nothing to lose and/or you like being miserable. They are probably the most emotionally impervious group of people out there. They don't talk like they are, but once you start dating them - there it is.

So, here is my little plug for divorced guys. If you are over 30 and you like dating guys who will make you the center of their universe, show up every day, openly admit to others that he is dating you, don't write him off quite so quickly. I'm not saying every divorced guy is worth a serious pause, I'm just saying - think about it for more than a hot second. There are, and will always likely be plenty of exclusionary guys - and they deserve a plug for consideration too, but the 'trend' guys tend to get more emotionally odd as time goes on. If you are up for the emotional challenge of dating one - go for it, just know that you will likely find yourself up late at night pondering your dating situation while he is, not all that surprisingly, in Australia.

A Little Change of Plans

This afternoon I got a text from the Relief Society president. A person I visit teach needs some coats, can I take her to Good Will to get some? My first reaction is resistance. Of course the answer is yes, but in order to do this, I need to cancel or decline the plans I already have for tonight. Can't these needs be planned? But priorities, right? I cancel my plans and head out after work. Dinner can wait. Good Will is only open till 8.

Conversation is a little tough once I pick her up. It is all me asking questions - trying awkwardly to connect. As we talk I realize how hard things have been. Health problems. Husband is out of work. They don't even have coats.

We go to Good Will. We scour large bins full of disorganized clothing.

Last time I got rid of clothes I threw them all away. It was too much work to donate them - and who actually uses them anyway? Who would want what I have? These weren't justifications, they were honest beliefs.

Well here I am, on the other end of it. Every new bin of clothing brought up is devoured by the crowd. I swear to myself I will donate everything in the future. Someone might need that coat. I realize I have old coats sitting in my closet. I could give her those.

She is looking for coats with hoods because her family has no hats, scarves or gloves. I'm not sure I've ever known anyone who didn't.

After helping her bring the load of coats to her door, I drive home with the radio off to process these events. You know, I really do love helping. I could have spent my night pursuing my plans, but I got to think about someone else and it was humbling. I need the reminders that people out there exist who really do need so that I can be mindful of them and aware of the service that they need.

I think this little change of plans made the world a slightly better place tonight.

The more you give, the more you give. This is why.

Stud of the Month - May 2015

 

I was sitting in church one fine Sunday when I got this text:

In the past there was another person who tried to become an SOTM, but something stubborn in me was bothered by that. Here when I stopped to think about it, Ben already has stud of the month status I had just never thought of it before. My reaction to the #studofthemonththings text was - totally.

One of the things that has always really mattered to me in life is friendship. I've never liked the idea that a friend is just someone to hang out with because it is convenient, or fills a need. I always strongly preferred the idea that friends would grow into people you genuinely love and that there is a loyalty and commitment behind that friendship. You would be there for them in the hard times, and stick up for them even if everyone else walked. I've always been surprised that everyone doesn't feel this way about friendship.

Ben is totally that kind of person. I first realized this when one of his friends had irritated me and I was not impressed. One of my less awesome qualities is a total lack of tact, so in true character, I vocalized my feelings to Ben. Ben was completely loyal to this friend and always is. In response, he'll always point out why he is friends with this person and what he likes about them. He even manages to stick up for his friend in a way that recognizes his friend's shortcomings, but still explicitly acknowledges that he does, and always will love this friend. I've known people who get that fake kind of I'm-better-than-you-because-I-don't-judge-and-you-do thing about them in situations like this, but Ben doesn't. He sticks up for people because he really does care about them. He's not judging, he just says it like he genuinely sees it. He's that kind of friend.

The second thing is his inclusiveness. I feel like I have boundaries in who I choose as friends, but Ben seems to be more open. We were in the same law school class, but he became friends with a lot more people than I did and keeps pretty close ties with most of them partly because I think he is just more open to accepting and loving people for who they are.

I was most impressed by this when I went to his wife's baby shower. It was filled with friends or significant others of people from our law school class as well as friends from church. I had been in both of those worlds, but he did a better job of building and maintaining these friendships. I left that event quite genuinely impressed by this and I find it something to aspire to.

So, partly because of his campaigning, and partially because he really is that awesome, Ben Hegvic is May 2015 Stud of the Month.

 

 

Studette of the Month - March 2015

It was my first time living alone. After 7 months, I was at my wits end. I HATED everything about the experience, with the exception of the fact that my apartment was constantly spotless. I missed having someone to chat with at night. I missed having someone to bump into in the morning. I've always loved the way roommates naturally become your best friend just by virtue of exposure.

It was heart-breakingly lonely to be living alone for me. It might be easier on someone who doesn't enjoy the sociality of a home life, or people who thrive on TV or hobbies. I do neither.

I had one of those moments where I just couldn't handle it any more and offered a very sincere prayer for a new roommate. With in the week I had a phone call from a girl I'd never met before who was looking for a place to live. She seemed to campaign hard to move in. I readily accepted and then realized I should probably meet her first. When she came to meet me, I became a little worried. Her life story was a little...sketchy. I spent that night having night mares of things going terribly wrong on the home front and berating myself for accepting this new living companion without getting to know her better. But the deal had been made, so she moved in.

I liked her from the start. We both love French. Her father served a French-speaking mission. She was highly creative, and clearly talented. She was very honest - a trait I love. She loves having people over as much as I do. She really likes people, just like I do.

 

For the first few months there was friction in the sense that we are both rather opinionated and often our chatting resulted in arguments. But then there was the time that I looked up everything she was arguing and texted her a list of cites proving she was wrong. I knew it was a jerk thing to do, but she didn't punch back. She said she stood corrected, and that melted my heart just a little. I love it when people are nice when I'm a jerk. I just absolutely respect their bigness.

Then there was the time she came home and almost gave her last dollar to the people she met at the gas station who were living out of their car. I talked her out of giving her money, but she just looked at me and said - if you met them, you would see how much they needed it. She just has a natural sense of compassion that I really love. I've seen her buy a new bed so she could give her old one away to a friend. I've literally seen her give her car away to a friend in need. She used to cook me breakfast in the morning. All winter she's always left the heater on in the bathroom for me. She just has a really huge heart and kindness is a very natural thing for her.

I could go on and on.

I have a friend who is always wondering how the two of us get along - as in she seems doubtful that we could. But we get along quite well, and I feel privileged to have her for a roommate. This month we've been roommates for TWO YEARS!! That's so crazy.

Sometimes you take your chances, and it turns out to be one of the best things you ever could have done.